“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” Russell Howard
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” Tommy Cooper
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx
“The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” Unknown
“My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” Unknown
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” Mark Twain
Any married person should forget his mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. Garry Shandling
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen
“Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.” Unknown
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” Unknown
“I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
“I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”
“Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.”
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
“You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.”
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
“At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. Erich Segal.
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine
“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not.” Milton Jones
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” Peter Kay. If you like this quick one liner joke by Peter Kay, please share it now.
“Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.”
“A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.”
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
“I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.”
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember that the fire department usually uses water.”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?”
“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.'”
“Room service? Send up a larger room.” Groucho Marx
“My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them.” Mitch Hedberg
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person so I can get a better girlfriend.” Anthony Jeselnik
“I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” Groucho Marx
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” George Carlin
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.” Rodney Dangerfield
“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” Jay Leno
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” Conan O’Brien
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.” George Carlin
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” Rodney Dangerfield
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
What if Soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish.
Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?
My wife accused me of being immature so I told her to get out of my fort.
Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought: “That sounds like a fair trade”.
Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I was so poor growing up that if I wasn’t a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with. Rodney Dangerfield
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