What do you call a joke that isn't funny?
A sentence.
Want to hear something that will make you smile?
Your facial muscles.
What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?
Broken.
Where was the Constitution signed?
The bottom.
What do you get when you mix and a goat and a sheep?
A geep.
What do you call a talking turtle?
Fictional.
What ended after 1987?
1988.
What did one stranger say to the other?
Nothing. They didn't know each other.
What does one French Guy say to another French Guy?
My name is also guy.
Why did the dinosaur say "hello" to the little girl?
He was being polite.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
How does the white-tail deer jump higher than the average house?
This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump.
You know what's really odd?
Numbers that aren't divisible by two.
I can still remember my Grandpa's last words before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.
She doesn't have a headphone jack.
What do an elephant and a grape have in common?
One of them is purple.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Chickens do not have the cognitive ability to reason. Therefore, it was random.
A proton walks into a bar.
No one noticed it because protons are tiny and everywhere.
Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink?
Because they can't dress themselves.
Yo mama's so fat…
She should be concerned because diabetes is a serious health issue.
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound.
What's yellow and is something you shouldn't drink?
A school bus.
What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo?
"This ain't my first rodeo!"
When birds fly in a V, why is one side always longer than the other?
Because there are more birds on one side.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
I have glasses but cannot see. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I?
A riddle.
Why does Micheal J. Fox make the best milkshakes?
Because he uses the finest ingredients.
Why did the dinosaur eat the baby?
He didn't. Humans did not appear until after the extinction of dinosaurs.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why did the swan hiss?
Biologically, it's coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Knock, knock
I wonder who is at the door. I hope they know a good joke, since levity in important in this cruel life. You have to smile sometimes.
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We're both lawyers!"
Why are there no Jewish people on Uranus?
The nature of the planet does not sustain human life.
What's white and annoying at breakfast?
An avalanche.
What's funny about five people in a Chevy Suburban driving off a cliff?
Nothing. They were my friends.
You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends…
But you can't rob a bank. That's a felony.
Why is there no aspirin in the rainforest?
Because it wouldn't be financially viable to try and sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rainforest.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
What's the difference between bubble wrap and a carrot?
No one eats carrots.
What do you call a medical student that graduated last in their class?
Doctor.
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger…
But she did move to California in 1849.
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A horrible boating accident.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish?
Neither one can whistle.
What did one ant say to the other ant?
Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…
Then my illegal logging company is a success.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house?
It's very tastefully furnished.
How do you empty a pool full of Canadians?
Politely but firmly tell them, "Get out of the pool, please!"
What's orange and tastes like an orange?
An orange.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A deer. The absence of eyes doesn't change the species.
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?
They both have handlebars… except for the duck.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They're a very efficient people.
Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver?
Because she passed away in 1968 and the deceased are incapable of operating automobiles..
What did one cannibal say to the other after eating a clown?
"We're gonna get in big trouble for this!"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "Evolution."
How tall is the Empire State Building?
One Empire State Building tall.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
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