Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Can February March? No, but April May!
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.
How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
What’s an astronaut’s favourite part of a computer? The space bar.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
“Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
Dad, can you put my shoes on?” “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction.
I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.
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