"I named my two dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re my watchdogs."
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
"Two wrongs don't make a right... But two Wrights make an airplane."
"What do you get when you rub two oranges together? Pulp friction"
“Honey, I’m pregnant! Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad!”
"I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy."
"I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was soul-destroying."
"I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize."
"To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
"What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales."
"How do trees access the internet? They log on."
"The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense."
"Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out."
"The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field."
"Going to open a coffee house/comedy club. Will call it the brew haha."
"Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re backstabbers."
"Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning. It would be truly alarming."
"Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it."
"Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy."
"I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it."
"If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot, it’s on the right foot."
"I am addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp."
"What did the big telephone say to the little telephone? You're too young to be engaged."
"One word can mean everything. It's everything."
"I came back with the food for tonight's meal. I'm a superhero."
"I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factor. I’ll be heading there shortly."
"I was telling my friend there's only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween. "Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
"Whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now."
"Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can’t C in the dark"
"What rock group has 4 guys who don't sing? Mount Rushmore."
"A man accidentally swallowed his watch. That must've been time-consuming."
"What do lawyers wear to work? A lawsuit."
"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere."
"I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do he laughs."
"They say laughter is the best medicine but where do you get it? The ha-spital."
"Dad, do you have any rough sandpaper?" My son asked. "Of course I do," I replied."
"Why can't these melons get married? Because they cantaloupe."
"You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice."
"I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
"I have a spouse in a different nation. The Imagination."
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