Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead. It is just afraid to move.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pie. And can divide by zero.
Behind Chuck Norris’ beard, there isn’t a chin. There’s another fist.
On the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it is noted that every world record is held by Chuck Norris. Those listed are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris peed on a truck. It created Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris once bought a refrigerator. It’s now called outer space.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game. But he was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
On the 7th day, God rested… Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
When Christopher Columbus discovered America, he was greeted by Chuck Norris.
When we first landed on the moon, the astronauts noted there was print on the moon that said “Chuck Norris was here.”
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris named his daughter Mercy. The day she was born was the only day Chuck Norris ever had Mercy.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
Mission Impossible was originally set in Chuck Norris’s house.
Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris’ computer has no backspace button, because Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices, his vehicles run on fear.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
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