Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.
Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.
Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.
Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.
Q: What is a crack head’s favourite song?
A: I wanna rock!
Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Q: How many Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say “Who’s special?”
Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.
Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.
Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.
Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.
Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.
24. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What is the difference between oooooh and aaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness into peoples lives
A: Drinking, Licking. Sucking, fucking and wanking.
Q: What’s the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions…
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: What’s the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.
Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
A: Does this taste funny to you?
Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a briefcase?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
A: She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn’t have any arms.
Q: What’s sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing its way out.
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What’s long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats long, hard and erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: Whats the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15.
Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
Q: What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?
A: “Reader’s Digest.”
Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: Why was the African-American girl quiet during the movie?
A: She wasn’t.
Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q: What’s sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.
Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t masturbate?
A: A liar.
Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people?
A: Twinkie.
Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and corn?
A: porn
Q: How do you eat a squirrel?
A: You spread its little legs.
Q: Ever had sex while camping?
A: It’s fucking intents.
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: “I’ll see you next month.”
Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.
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