Mitchy had a problem with body odor, so he went to see his doctor.
“Do you wash?” the doctor asked him.
“Of course,” Mitchy replied. “Every single morning I begin at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then, I begin at my feet and wash up as far as possible.”
“Well,” the doctor told him, “I suggest you go home and wash possible.”
Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: “Breathe, stupid!”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
I invented a new word:
Plagiarism!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
Knock! Knock!
Q: Who’s there?
A: Control Freak.
Q: Con…
A: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey… and a cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrgh!
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
What rhymes with orange
No it doesn’t.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
I waited all night to see where the sun would rise…
…And then it dawned on me.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.
What is an astronaut’s favourite part on a computer?
The space bar.
Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
funny jokes in english for friends
very very funny jokes
long funny jokes in english
jokes in english for adults
funny jokes in english for students
funny jokes in hindi
short funny jokes
seriously funny jokes