A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit in my pants from March.
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it ends sooner for fat people.
You're so fat that the only way you can fit your whole body into a photo is to use panorama.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
All the problems fade before a hangover
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
You won't drink away the alcoholism.
We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
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