Who is the penguin’s favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!
What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!
The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!
How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows!
I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
You really shouldn’t be intimidated by advanced math… it’s easy as pi!
What did the hamburger name it’s baby? Patty!
What did the ranch say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
What’s America’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
German sausage jokes are just the wurst.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents.
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though – he woke up!
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.
My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
I made a pun about the wind but it blows.
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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