The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It's not easy. You try finding thirty-two old guys.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone.
"What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
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