"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
"Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
"How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."
"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."
"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."
"What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?" "Yellow!"
"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."
"What kind of car does an egg drive?" "A yolkswagen."
"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."
"How do you make 7 even?" "Take away the s."
"How does a taco say grace?" "Lettuce pray."
"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
"Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "It didn't have the guts."
"What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?" "A meltdown."
"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."
"I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."
"What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
"What does a bee use to brush its hair?" "A honeycomb!"
"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."
"Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"
"What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."
"My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."
"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"
"How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."
"How did Harry Potter get down the hill?" "Walking. JK! Rowling."
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
"A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
"You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."
"When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know..."
"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
"That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted."
"Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."
"If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."
"I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."
"Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines."
"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up."
"A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"
"I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."
"I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."
"Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
"I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
"How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."
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