I watched hockey before it was cool. They were basically swimming.
There's no hole in your shoe? Then how'd you get your foot in it?
A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property. But when he rounded them up, he had 50.
When the two rabbit ears got married, it was a nice ceremony. But the reception was amazing.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was too tired.
A chicken coup only has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Three fish are in a tank. One asks the others, "How do you drive this thing?"
Why don't crabs donate? Because they're shellfish.
What did Blackbeard the pirate say when he turned eighty? "Aye, matey."
How does your feline shop? By reading a catalogue.
It's hard to teach kleptomaniacs humor. They take things so literally.
Sunny-side up, scrambled, or an omelet? It doesn't matter. They're all eggcellent.
Don't worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.
Ever tried to eat a clock? It's time-consuming.
Who can jump higher than a house? Pretty much anyone.
What do an apple and an orange have in common? Neither one can drive.
Why did the businessman invest in Smith & Wollensky? He wanted to stake his claim.
Five guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would've seen it.
This sweet ride has four wheels and flies. It's a garbage truck.
How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Ten-ants.
I want to go camping every year. That trip was so in tents.
Wait, you don't want to hear a joke about potassium? K.
How do you organize a space-themed hurrah? You planet.
Your ex. That's the punchline.
How do you feel when there's no coffee? Depresso.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? "Stay out of those places!"
What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.
Where did the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? Dogerpillers.
What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? "It's not you, it's a-me!"
What's the award for being best dentist? A little plaque.
What did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.
What do you call a magician dog? A labracadabrador.
What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent and Nickelback.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference.
What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the Galaxy.
There are three types of people in the world. Those of us who are good at math and those of us who aren't.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.
What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
How can you make seven an even number? Just take away the "s"!
What did the lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit!
What do you call HIJKLMNO? H20!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints!
What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.
What do you call a dog with no legs? You can call him whatever you want, he's still not coming.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?"
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
Why did the man get fired from his job at the calendar factory? He took a couple days off!
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he always gets a hole in one!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he eventually woke up!
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? Well, now, all of them.
Why did the teacher love the whiteboard? She just thought it was remarkable!
A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange." So I replied, "No it doesn't."
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European!
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
I'm not a big fan of stairs. They're always up to something.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back? A stick.
What to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
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