What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.
I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.
What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli.
How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.
I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.
What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing!"
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!
I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!
What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? "Oh my toe sis!"
I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.
I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.
What do scholars eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.
What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.
A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
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