Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Check books.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the cigarettes I smoked, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the cigarette & think about the workers in the cigarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I don’t smoke this cigarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it’s better that I smoke this cigarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an election.
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”
A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?
“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire’” Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?” “I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.
Wife’s definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh! Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you are to have no relations whatsoever! Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?
A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper. Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper? French: Toilette pepper!
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?” The psychology professor replied, “Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs.”
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving.
He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot.
As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honour,” he said,
“I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.
I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said
‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”
With a tired annoyance the judge replied,
A cyclone hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning.
It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping.
By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed the next county over.
The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.
“Don’t be scared, Mary,” her husband said.
“We’re not hurt.”
Mary continued to cry. “I’m not scared,”
She said between sobs.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
What bird can lift the most?
A crane.
What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.
What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear?
Address.
What country makes you shiver?
Chile.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud?
A froghorn.
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.
Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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