What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
Why did the bike fall over?
It was two tired.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse.
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest.
Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?
He was stuck in a vicious cycle.
What did the bartender say to the turkey sandwich when it tried to order a beer?
“Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage?
Because every play has a cast.
What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator.
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other?
They were dead ringers.
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her?
Namaste.
How do you tell if a vampire is sick?
See if he is coffin.
What do you call fake spaghetti?
An im-pasta.
Why did the farmer win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
When do computers overheat?
When they need to vent.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What do you call a factory that sells good products?
A satis-factory.
What kind of music do planets like?
Neptunes.
What do you call a fish without eyes?
Fsh.
How do rabbits travel?
By hareplanes.
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
Ketchup.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card.
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan.
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines!
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What was the frog’s job at the hotel?
Bellhop.
What do cows most like to read?
Cattle-logs.
Why did the photo go to jail?
Because it was framed.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
Why did the restaurant hire a pig?
He was good at bacon.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why are the Irish so wealthy?
Because their capital is Dublin.
What do lawyers wear to work?
Lawsuits.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, because it croaks every day.
What’s that restaurant on the moon like?
It doesn’t have atmosphere.
What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They crack up too easily.
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
Why don’t you buy things with Velcro?
It’s a rip-off.
Why did the robber jump in the shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A con descending.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did the kid stock up on yeast?
He wanted to make some dough.
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