Animal testing is a terrible idea because they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” — Matt Kirshen
“Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” — Will Marsh
“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts
“A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.” — Ross Smith
“Two fish in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?'” — Peter Kay
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis
“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett
“Do Transformers get car or life insurance?” — Russell Howard
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” — Les Dawson
I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask, “Are you an item?”
I went to buy camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.
“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward
“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin
My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
Every married person should forget their mistakes. There’s no point in two people remembering the same thing.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
People tell me I’m condescending. (Leans in real close) That means I talk down to people.
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal
“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” — Joan Rivers
“Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.” — Ed Byrne
“I failed math so many times in school I lost count.” — Stewart Francis
“Oh, when I was a kid in show business, I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.” — Rodney Dangerfield
I ate a clock yesterday, and it was very time-consuming.
A perfectionist walked into a bar — apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they’ll never expect it back.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” — Demetri Martin
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg
“My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” — Unknown
What vitamin helps you to see? Vitamin C.
Why did the burglar rob a bakery? He needed the dough.
Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll.
I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger…
Then it hit me.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible.
Life is like a diploma. As in my parents keep telling me to get one.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.
What goes, “Oh, oh, oh”? Santa walking backward.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
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