Sunday Family Humour 8th December

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour



    Absolutely Fascinating Errors in Judgment

Thanks to Ray O'


    ''The Bomb will never go off, I speak as an expert in explosives."
    - - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

    "There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
    -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

    "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
    -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

    "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
    -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

    "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
    -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

    "But what is it good for?"
    -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
    commenting on the microchip.

    "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
    -- Bill Gates, 1981

    This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us"
    -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

    "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message
    sent to nobody in particular?"
    -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

    "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea
    must be feasible"
    -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing
    reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

    "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper"
    -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

    "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out"
    -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

    "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible"
    -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

    "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples
    that said you can't do this"
    - - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads .

    "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy"
    -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

    "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
    - - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

    "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value"
    -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .

    "Everything that can be invented has been invented"
    •Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Pat ents, 1899.

    "The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over
    Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required."
    -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

    "I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents.
    It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
    -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

    "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"
    -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

    "So we are absolutely confident that 25 megs is going to be enough, more than enough, for the average household." Tony Abbott 2013

    And last but not least...

    "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
    -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977




Birds on a Wire

Thanks to Cory A.

Birds on a wire




Days of Black and White

Thanks to Paul S.

(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)



You could hardly see for all the snow on the TV screen until the rabbit ears were spread as far as they could go.



My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of
Keds instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.

We had 35 to 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.


Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive? 

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!


The Smothers Brothers

Thanks to Paul S.

The Smothers Brothers explains who "was and is" running the country!
 Note to NSA...I approve your reading of this message. Enjoy!

YouTube Video


 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEiU-8gx0hc  




Dorothy  and Edna

Thanks to David M

It's all  in your perspective.

 
perspective
 
         
Dorothy  and Edna, two "senior" widows, are  talking…

Dorothy:  "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a  date. I know you went out with him last week,  and I wanted to talk with you about him before I  give him my answer."

Edna:  "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my  apartment punctually at 7 pm,  dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit,  and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he  takes me downstairs. And what's there; a  limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he  takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner,  lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner  drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you  Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just  died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back  to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.  Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new  dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so  you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna:  "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old  dress." 
 

Good Salesman

Thanks to Ray O'.
 
Airman Jackson was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Haverty noticed that Airman Jackson was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jackson 's sales pitch.
Jackson explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they're gonna send into battle first?”
 


Italian poker club

Thanks to David M.

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but do so standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

 

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

 

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

Flight Announcement

Thanks to Ray O'.

                        Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

                                "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
                                Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
                                The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
                                So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
                                Silence followed.
                                Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
                                "Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you,  a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
                                From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
                                "For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"



The effect of those FOUR little words

Thanks to Ray O'.
 A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. .
 
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him? Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
"I love you, sweetheart ."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received.
 
Here are some of the replies:
 
  1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f**k did you do now?
7. ? ! ?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay w



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