Sunday Family Humour 15th December

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour


Mother's Comments

Thanks to Ray O'.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however,if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft.room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. (When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball along way.)

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by aceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's alreadytoo late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year oldman says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk onwater.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercialsshow they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all oftheir friends, with or without boys do it because:

a) For those with no children - this istotally hysterical!

b) For those who alreadyhave children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control



Precision Marching

Thanks to Ray M.

Keep in mind that if only one guy drops a stick, the show is over.

Precision Marching


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A bit of Ho Ho Ho to wish a Merry Christmas


Thanks to Chris A.


Merry Christmas!
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SCHOOLDAYS - 1957 v 2013

Thanks to Mark G.
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.


1957
-  Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2012 -
  Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.


Scenario
:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.


1957 -
  Robbie  sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2012 -
  Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.


Scenario
  :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car
 and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 -
  Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 -
  Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail. 


Scenario
  :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.


1957 -
  Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.

2012 -
  Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.   Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.


Scenario
  :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night,
 
puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1957 -
  Wasps die.

2012 -
  Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.


Scenario
  :
Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee.
  He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1957 -
  In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie. No damage done.

2012 -
  Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

 

Unique Kodak Moments

Thanks to Ray M.

Unique Kodak Moments



Singing In Church

Thanks to Ray O'.


A priest decided  to do something a little  different.
He said 'Today,  in church, I am going to say  a single word and you  are going to help me  preach..
Whatever  single word I say, I want you to sing  whatever hymn  that comes to your mind --
The  pastor shouted out:
'CROSS.'

Immediately ihe  congregation started singing in unison,
'THE  OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The  pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'
The congregation began
to sing  'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound..'

The  pastor said 'POWER.'
The  congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The  Pastor said 'SEX'
The  congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone  was in shock.
They  all nervously began to look around at each other afraid  to say anything.

 Then  all of a sudden, way  from in the back of the church,
a  little old 87-year-old  grandmother stood  up and began to sing

'MEMORIES.'


Redneck living at its best
Thanks to Ray O'.
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