Sunday Family Humour 20th October

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

THE TINY CABIN

Thanks to Lee

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains

of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the

tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid.

But...," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she

will need to intervene in this situation)

"Are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be

handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

Some funnies for you

Thanks to David M.

Some funnies for you

Oil Field Dodge - 1920

Thanks to Lee

Both rear wheels were propelling the car...and with it's manual transmission it was easy to control how much power to transmit to the wheels.

1950's e-mail

Thanks to Captain Bob

I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful!

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,

Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born, Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince, Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'

And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,

And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see

A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me,Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,

And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three, Or

Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,

And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,

And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me. We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go, At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,

And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead, And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led. And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees, Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,

And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me. We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag, And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea, And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

T-Birds came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks, And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee, And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues, We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me,Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,

And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,

And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say, And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A. They send us invitations to join AARP,

We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me. So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans, And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines. And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be, Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

If you didn't grow up in the fifties,

You missed the greatest time in history,

Hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did

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THE GIRAFFE TEST

Thanks to Captain Bob

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok if you get none right you better go for counseling.

Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals

Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and

You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

P.S. Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

I leave for counseling in 10 minutes......

See ya'!

Insights to a longer life

Thanks to David M.

7 Worst Foods You Should Never Eat For Breakfast

Bacon, ham and sausage

Processed meat has nitrates that are associated with colorectal cancer. In fact, the Institute for Cancer Research published a list of the top ten things you can do to reduce your risk of cancer. Avoiding nitrates is a number one of them. What does that mean for morning meat eaters? It is time to find a different breakfast option.

Sugary cereals

How can you tell the difference between a bad sugary cereal and a good one for your health? Some cereals are full of carbs and sugar. When you eat them, your blood sugar rapidly spikes and then bottoms out. Since you probably do not want your energy to crash at the beginning of the day, it is best to avoid those cereals. Instead, choose cereals with higher fiber and protein. Do you seek for another option? Add ground flaxseed or walnuts for more protein and fiber.

Packaged pancakes with artificial maple syrup

While natural maple syrup is a healthy sweetener, there are many artificial types of syrup on the market that are full of high fructose corn syrup. The sweetener, which is derived from corn, is also present in most processed and packaged foods. High fructose corn syrup can lead to more abdominal obesity and visceral fat, which is stored between the organs. This is the fat that leads to cancer. A recent study in one journal also linked high fructose corn syrup consumption to diabetes.

Toaster pastries, doughnuts and Danishes

Not only are these pastries made with refined white flour, but there is much sugar added. Sugar is the worst way to fuel you in the morning, because it results in a rapid rise in blood sugar. That means you will be hungry sooner and increase your chances of high blood sugar, obesity and diabetes. If all those health risks are not enough to put you off pastries, there is the other way they can be detrimental to your health. As many scientists believe sugar and cancer are linked.

Microwavable breakfast sandwiches

Healthy options exist, but many are packed with preservatives and sodium. In this case best idea is to make your own by microwaving a beaten egg and toast a whole grain English muffin.

Light Yogurts

They may have only hundred calories and come in flavors such as red velvet cheesecake, but they are usually filled with artificial sweeteners and chemicals. Go for low fat yogurt instead.

Muffins

They top the list of the most caloric breakfast foods. What is the reason? They are extremely dense and what they are packed with is generally not what you need- white flour, oil or butter and a lot of sugar. If you have no other choice, stick to 2 ounces of serving, which is the same size of an extra large egg.

16 Interesting Uses of Honey

If you are looking for even more ways to use honey outside of your kitchen you should go ahead and read this article.

Put honey on your lips

Do you know that making your own lip balm is as easy as looking for some almond oil, beeswax and honey? Sure it is. After reading this that $11 version you picked up at the health food store yesterday can make you feel a little guilty, does not it?

Make your own honey moisturizer

If you have got a handful of sweet smelling herb such as lavender, laying around and ready to be used, why not use it for your own homemade honey lotion? Try to warm honey over a span until it gets to a liquid consistency. Pour honey over herb and cap tightly; the ratio you have to use is one tbsp of herbs per 7 ounces of honey. Let sit for one week and then mix one tsp of liquid into a seven ounce bottle of unscented lotion.

Eat honey with goat cheese

If you need a classy hors d’oeuvre but you are lacking in the time department try this one: put a slice of goat cheese, sprinkle chopped walnuts and honey on top and place in oven until cheese and honey are soft. Serve with crackers or baguette and you will be the life of the party.

Drink honey

You all know a drop of honey in tea is good for a sore throat, but it can be added to most drinks for an extra energy boost. And simply because it is a whole lot better than tossing in a few dietary soda.

Make a salad

One of the favorite and easiest fruit salads uses just a touch of honey to enhance the sugars in the fruit and it is a perfect late summer dessert

Give yourself a facial

Honey is a natural humectant with antimicrobial properties that means your skin will be happy when you give it some sweet honey care. Try an old method of honey wash by mixing a dollop of honey and 2 tablespoons of warm water and massaging the mixture into your skin. You also can go out and try the cucumber honey facial.

Go the extra mile

Forget energy bars and shots; just pop a tbsp of honey before your next workout. It has been proven to boost athletic performance.

Remove parasites

If you have got a Southeast Asia backpacking trip bug that just is not leaving you alone, mix up a good blend of honey, water and vinegar and you will quickly be on your way to be parasite free.

Clean your cuts and scrapes

Honey could actually be used as a natural antiseptic. Because of its several antimicrobial properties, honey can be used to treat wounds and even burns.

Get rid of ugly hangover

Forget a morning of popping aspirin, spread some honey on your toast or add some to your tea. Because honey is full of fructose, it will help speed up the metabolism of alcohol.

Clear up your dry elbows

Nothing is worse than scratchy elbows. So next time, after you have washed and scrubbed, smear some honey on elbows to soften the skin. Leave on for half an hour then wash off.

Soften your skin

Honey is an excellent for exfoliating. You could pair it with ground almonds and lemon juice for a powerful homemade facial scrub.

Mix a drink

When it comes time to celebrate, nothing seems to be a better way than a good ole cocktail. Can you imagine Honey Gin Cocktail? So have it.

Get an energy boost

Are you feeling a tad lethargic? Forget the coffee and go for the honey instead. Mix one tbsp into a cup of tea and you will be feeling better in no time.

Beautify your hair

After you wash your hair, coat the ends with a bit of honey. Let it sit for some minutes before rinsing out and you will find that your hair is less frizzy and what is more conditioned. Make your hair shiny and bright by adding 1 tsp honey to 1/4 of water and after you wash your hair, pour the mixture over your head. Let dry and enjoy your new found shiny look.

Relax in the tub

It is widely spread that the famed beauty Cleopatra was soaking in honey and milk baths. So try to be queen of your own and add honey to your bath and enjoy softer feeling water.

Queensland Police speed-guns versus RAAF

Thanks to Frans R.

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