Sunday Family Humour 11th May Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 11th May Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
St Patrick's Day
Thanks to David M.
I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport
and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
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Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
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Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
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Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
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Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
The Craftiest Bird
Thanks to Murray S.
Thanks to Edgar Allan Poe and many Halloween specials, Ravens have a certain image.
They tend to show up when creepy things happen. But many often overlook how crafty Ravens can be.
That is especially true when they're going after food. You won't believe what they can do.
Oodles of Money
Thanks to Lee
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Ajanta Caves
Thanks to Lee
Ajanta Caves: Your history lesson for today.
Over hundreds of years thirty one monuments hewn from the rockface!
Two thousand two hundred years ago work began in Maharashtra, India.
Then, some speculate around the year 1000 AD, they fell in to disuse.
Dense jungle grew around, hiding the caves away from human eyes.
The Ajanta caves lay undisturbed for hundreds of years.
Then, in April 1819, during the time of the British, Raj, an officer with the unassuming name of John Smith, rediscovered a doorway to one of the temples.
He had been hunting tigers – something of which many would disapprove today.
One can only imagine what went through Smith's head when he made his find.
Such a rediscovery did not remain secret for very long.
Soon, European and Indian tourists were thronging to the site – after extensive tidying up.
After all, the caves had been home to bat, birds and larger animals for hundreds of years.
The Ajanta Caves had been returned to the world of the living.
The nearest human habitation is Ajinṭhā, a tiny village a few miles away from the caves.
The sanctuaries, which are known as chaytia-girhas date from the second century before Christ.
They were used primarily as prayer halls and are similar to an extent to the contemporary Roman designs of arch and column.
However, these sanctuaries were carved from the immense rock face of the caves, with chisels and, indeed, bare hands.
The first caves were hewn from the bare rock at the time of The Sātavāhana Empire which started around 230BC.
The Sātavāhanas brought peace to India after several foreign invasions and the decline of the previous, Mauryan Empire.
Although there is widespread debate about the time at which the second period of building took place, most now agree that it was probably during the reign of Harishena, from 460AD and over a period of around twenty years.
This architectural flowering saw the creation of twenty temples which were used as monasteries.
There are paintings everywhere – literally.
Every surface apart from the floor is festooned
with narrative paintings.
Time has taken a serious toll on these marvelous
works with many parts simply just fragments of
what they were when first created.
The stories are almost wholly devoted to Jātakas
– tales of the Buddha’s previouslives.
These 547 poems were painstakingly and lovingly
painted on to the walls by devotees.
They were created using an ancient method.
The surface was chiseled so it was rough and could hold plaster which was then spread across the surface.
Then the master painter would, while the plaster was still wet, commence his work.
The colors soaked in to the plaster and so became a part of the surface.
Although this meant that it would not peel off as easily, perhaps not even the painters foresaw the temples persevering for over two thousand years.
No one knows for sure when and why the caves were abandoned – whether it was a gradual desertion of some event of political and social magnitude took place which precipitated the neglect and final vacation of the site.
Yet for hundreds of years the place remained forsaken, to be rediscovered that fateful day in 1819 by John Smith.
They even had running water handy, nearby!
In all that time, no one knew anything about its existence; now isn’t that amazing?
You Dog - Jazz by Cab Calloway
Thanks to David M.
Not So Smart
Thanks to David M.
Very Clever Signs
Thanks to Murray S.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Johnson, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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