Sunday Family Humour 10th November Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 10th November Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
Sage Words
Thanks to Ray O'.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
– John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
– Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.
– David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
– Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.
– Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
them for thirty years.
– Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
strength of the lifeboats.
– Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
out the garbage.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
– Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
– Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
– Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
– Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
– Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
– Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
– Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
for, I have no idea.
– W.H. Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
– Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
– Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
– Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
– Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
– Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
– Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
– George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
– Jonathan Winters
An Unusual Crash
Thanks to David H.
Why Pets Hate Halloween
Thanks to David M.
Exercise For Seniors
Thanks to Paul S.
FOR ALL MY SENIOR FRIENDS, PLEASE DO NOT OVER DO IT.
Repeat as necessary.
WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE
Thanks to Ray O'.
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment ?
A. It is money the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala
If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.
TV Football supporters
Thanks to Ray O'.
Diapers
Thanks to Captain Bob
For all of us who are seniors...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will.
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