Sunday Family Humour 27th October

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A Week's Humour

Thanks to Cindy

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was

concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the

family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any

attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then

told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and

until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother

told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to

hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward

he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a

damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,

'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five

thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel

appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a

large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from

Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of

all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old

man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.' So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland .

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through

the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Alcohol Test

Thanks to Ray O'.

I want to Work

Thanks to Ray M'.

See a miracle happen right here!!!

A yellow Ford cures crippled man who had just left the Welfare Office.

Cartoons for a Smile

Thanks to David M.

Groaners

Thanks to Ray O'.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

The Car that Flies Itself!

Thanks to Forbidden Knowledge TV

The first flying cars for the masses are set to go on sale to the public as

early as 2015. New England aviation company, Terrafugia has announced

its Transition design, which is partsed an, part private jet with two seats,

four wheels and wings that fold up,so it can be driven like a car.

It will be on sale in less than two years.The Massachusetts-based firm has also

unveiled plans for a TF-X model that will be small enough to fit in a garage, and

won't need a runway to take off.

Unlike its current flying car, which is designed for pilots, the new design

incorporates "autonomous functionality",a move the company says will open up

the skies to everybody. Essentially, this means that it'll be a manned drone. It

will fly itself, avoid restricted air space,dangerous weather, other planes, cars,

etc. through a computer network. If all else fails, you pull one handle and it comes

down safely.

Would you buy one?

Video (almost 3 mins):

The Car that Flies Itself!

Cool Illusion

Thanks to Ray O'.

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