Sunday Family Humour 15th December Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Glesga Budgie

Thanks to Frans R.

A man buys a budgie. It keeps repeating,

“Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails”.

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a kestrel.

He puts it in the cage beside budgie and says

“Let’s see how hard you are now”.

Next morning the kestrel is dead, budgie says

“Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails”.

So the man buys a buzzard puts it in the cage.

Next morning the buzzard is dead and the budgie says,

“Am a Glesga budgie an am as hard as nails”.

"Right, then" says the man, goes and buys a golden eagle and puts it in the cage.

Next morning the eagle's dead and the budgie has no feathers left....

Budgie says,

“hud tae tak ma jaikit aff fur that yin!”

Russian Car Ad

Thanks to David H.

Skating like never before

How real men decorate their homes

Thanks to Tony H.

To receive the weekly link to the latest Sunday Family humour,

send an email to dgwest7@gmail.com

saying subscribe Sunday Family Humour.

No costs, nothing else needed. Welcome and thank you.

Bring back any memories?

Thanks to Frans R.

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.'Except for Fish & Chip shops and we ate it all so unhygenically from newspaper wrappers'

'All the other food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'home,' I explained.

'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country and credit cards had not been invented.

My parents never drove me to school. I had my mothers bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until the Queens Coronation.

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 4 p.m. and there was usually locally produced news and everything was live.....or film.

We never had a telephone

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and many boys delivered newspapers --My brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week. He had to get up at 5AM every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence (except cowboy films) or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it... I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

There were two postal deliveries per day.

Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

The street lights were turned off at about 11pm each night.

Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

Fizzy drinks were delivered in large jarss by lorry each week, and the empties returned.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Lolly cigarettes

2. Milk Bars with juke boxes

3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles

4. Party lines on the telephone

5. Newsreels before the film

6. TV test card patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again. (There were only 2 channels[if you were fortunate])

7. Peashooters

8. 78 rpm records

9. 45 RPM records

10. Hi-fi's

11. Metal ice trays with levers

12. Blue flashbulbs

13. Cork popguns

14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young

If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older

If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age

If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Epic Intervention

Pranksters Convince Drunk Driver He’s Been in a Coma for 10 Years

Thanks to Unslave me

The Ventriloquist

Thanks to Chris A

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in

a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through

his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts

shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you

think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color

of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like

you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the

community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like

you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind

continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in

general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

A Billion

Thanks to Ray O'.

The next time you hear a politician use the Word 'billion' in a casual manner,

think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending

YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of

putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes,

at the rate the US government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...let's take a look at New Orleans

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,

Mary Landrieu (D)

was asking Congress for

250 BILLION DOLLARS

To rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...

What does it mean?

Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans

(every man, woman and child)

You each get $516,528

Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787

Or... If you are a family of four...

Your family gets

$2,066,012

Washington , D.C.

..HELLO!

Are all the calculators broken??

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax (Fed)

Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Tax

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service charge Taxes

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax (Truckers)

Sales Taxes

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax

Telephone State and Local Tax

Telephone Usage ChargeTax

Utility Tax

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...

And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...

We had the largest middle class in the world...

And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell

'politicians'!

Did you enjoy this page?

Please click +1