Sunday Family Humour 6th October Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

AMA insight, no matter which side you are on.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Age test

Thanks to David H.

AMA insight

Thanks to David M.

Age Test

Cats and Vacuums

Thanks to David M.

Thesis on Whisky

Thanks to Ray O'.

Thesis on Whiskey

Whiskey is low-carb and fat-free, so your thighs will thank you.

One shot has zero fat and .04 carbs, guys…so you can wear your skinny jeans and drink a highball too.

2. The word whiskey means “water of life.”

Whiskey comes from the Gaelic word “Uisge Beatha,” which means “water of life.”

That phonetically became “usky,” and eventually was pronounced as “whiskey.” Drink that water, friends!

3. In frontier country, whiskey was as valuable as gold.

In 18th century Pennsylvania, the favored currency was whiskey — which was used for cooking, medicine, and drinking, among other things.

That whiskey loyalty would eventually lead to the 1794 Whiskey Rebellion,

where farmers fought against the taxes that threatened their liquor livelihood.

That’s a fight worth fighting, if you ask me.

4. Whiskey can help prevent cancer.

In 2005, Dr. Jim Swan, speaking at the EuroMedLab conference in Glasgow, said,

“Research has shown that there are even greater health benefits to people who drink single-malt whiskies.

Why? Single-malt whiskies have more ellagic acid than red wine.”

That ellagic acid, also found in most fruits, is an antioxidant that may absorb rogue cancer cells in the body.

More research needs to be made to make this conclusive, but let’s drink up and hope Dr. Swan is correct.

5. Drinking whiskey can lower your risk of having a stroke.

To be clear, drinking large amounts of alcohol is related to a higher incidence of stroke.

However, if you can master the art of moderate consumption

— meaning one drink a day — that may provide protection against an ischemic stroke.

In fact, having one drink per day is better than no drinks per day when it comes to protecting against ischemic stroke.

6. It also may reduce your risk of developing heart disease.

A 1998 study found that a big shot of whiskey can help protect against heart disease,

and boost the body’s defenses against disease by raising the body’s level of antioxidants.

7. Drinking one to six glasses of whiskey a week can lower an adult’s risk of dementia.

A 2003 case study with the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center found that the odds of incident dementia

were lower among those adults who consumed moderate alcohol, rather than none at all!

8. Hillary Clinton chugs whiskey on the regular. (To forget Monica)

And we all wanna be like Hil.

9. Winston Churchill drank whiskey and water for breakfast…and lead a nation through World War II.

The whiskey soda washed down his eggs and cigar, naturally.

10. And Jack Donaghy uses it to help him rule over Kabletown.

11. Oh, and did I mention that Mark Twain was a big fan?

12. A closed bottle of whiskey will be good for 100 years.

And after you open a bottle of whiskey, a half-full bottle will remain good for five years.

13. Drinking whiskey is the American thing to do; Tennessee and Kentucky are two of the world’s primary whiskey-distilling regions.

Bourbons like Maker’s Mark and Wild Turkey are made in Kentucky, while Tennessee is home to Jack Daniel’s.

14. There are over 5,000 types of single-malt whiskey, and they’re not going to try themselves.

We all have a lot of drinking to do.

15. Whiskey might be the smartest investment you’ll ever make. Probably.

Unlike wine, whose taste deteriorates in the bottle, the fact that whiskey lasts almost forever means its value can appreciate in a big way.

So, instead of that 401k plan, just buy a couple of rare bottles and watch their value soar!

(It’s a whole lot more fun that way too.)

16. George Washington, the father of America, also founded one of the country’s largest whiskey distilleries..

So whiskey-drinking is basically in the Constitution.

After his term as the first president of the United States ended in 1797,

Washington’s Scottish farm manager encouraged him to build a whiskey distillery.

It was the largest of its kind in America, producing 11,000 gallons of whiskey in 1799.

17. Whiskey was originally crafted only by monks, making it a holy spirit.

(LOL, SPIRIT, get it?)

That practice changed in 1541, when King Henry VIII dissolved all of their liquor-ridden monasteries. Poor sober monks.

18. Cold is no match for whiskey; even below-freezing temperatures won’t freeze it.

Nothing proved that more than when a crate of 100-year-old whiskey was unearthed in Antarctica.

And even though it suffered through the -30 Celsius temperatures, the bottles and liquor were all in great condition.

19. Whiskey is measured in “fingers” — your body is the only pouring tool you need!

To measure out whiskey, all you have to do is hold your finger horizontally against the glass and pour out a finger’s width.

Or two, if you’re feeling frisky.

20. Did I mention that whiskey looks GREAT on bars?

21. Especially if it’s served with a bacon garnish.

22. But let’s be honest: The very best reason to drink whiskey is because it’s delicious.

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24 New Maxines

Thanks to Ray O'

24 new Maxines

Cinnamon and Honey

Thanks to Ray O'.

Cinnamon and Honey

Whoever thought?

Honey is the only food (liquid) on the planet that will not spoil or rot. It will do what some call turning to sugar. In reality honey is always honey. However, when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will do what I rather call "crystallizing" When this happens I would loosen the lid, boil some water, and let the honey container sit in the hot water, turn off the heat and let it liquefy. It is then as good as it ever was. Never boil honey or put it in a microwave. To do so will kill the enzymes in the honey.

Cinnamon and Honey

Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around. Facts on Honey and Cinnamon: It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.

Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , in its issue, dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:

HEART DISEASES:

Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also, those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack.. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.

ARTHRITIS:

Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practic ally 73 patients were tot ally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.

BLADDER INFECTIONS:

Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder..

CHOLESTEROL:

Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, were found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours as mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

COLDS:

Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.

UPSET STOMACH:

Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.

GAS:

According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

IMMUNE SYSTEM:

Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacterial and viral diseases.

INDIGESTION:

Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

INFLUENZA:

A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ' Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

LONGEVITY:

Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increase and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old..

PIMPLES:

Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.

SKIN INFECTIONS:

Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

WEIGHT LOSS:

Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

CANCER:

Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.

FATIGUE:

Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.

BAD BREATH:

People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

HEARING LOSS:

Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!

A few Reflective Moments

Thanks to David H.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE REFLECTIVE MOMENTS

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