Sunday Family Humour 29th September

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour



I have questions!

Thanks to Ray M,

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address
in the first place?

And A FAVORITE: The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
~
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like..........night!!!!



Just to brighten your day

Thanks to Ray O'.
 
Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change.  Life's too short to be anything...but happy.

 
   
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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
 

Amazing Mechanical Gadget

240 Year Old Writer Automaton
Thanks to Fritz

The Writer Automaton.flv




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Having Fun With Statues

Thanks to Ray O'.

 
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Paddy and Mick

Thanks to Chris A.

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices!
 We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay?
 Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.
 I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.
You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice,
"Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each,
100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each.
I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."


The Bathtub Test

Thanks to Frans

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

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"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
Bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window?"


Cute

Thanks to Ray O'.

 
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