Sunday Family Humour 3rd November

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A drunken stranger

Thanks to Tony H.

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself ! "God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

Remarkable Engineering

Thanks to Lee

Cool Comments

Thanks to Tony H.

Famous Sayings

Thanks to Paul S.

Early aircrafts' throttles had a ball on the end of it,

in order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way

forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall"

for going very fast. And now you know, the rest of the story.

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During WWII , U.S. airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they

would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were folded

into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measure

27 feet and contained hundreds of rounds of bullets. Often times, the

pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets

on various targets. They would say, “I gave them the whole nine yards,”

meaning they used up all of their ammunition.

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Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in

reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by

Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian

diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the

U.S. to return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God

willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek"

it is deduced that he was referring to the Cree Indian tribe and not a body

of water.

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In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either

sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing

behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and

both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were

to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are

'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the

expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands

and arms are more difficult to paint.)

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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May

and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads

(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs

made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would

carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30

minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big

wig'. Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone

appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

*********************************

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one

chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used

for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while

everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was

usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit

in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one

sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the

expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

*********************************

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women

and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's

wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were

speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face

she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax

would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too

close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression

'losing face.'

*********************************

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and

dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.

*********************************

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied

when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To

avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since

most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb

because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

********************************

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the

people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios,

the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They

were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and

political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You

go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually

combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term

'gossip.'

**********************************

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized

containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep

the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was

drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase

'minding your 'P's and Q's'.

**********************************

One more: bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried

iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary

to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from

rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based

pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested

on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small

area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem....how to prevent

the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution

was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if

this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The

solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers

realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when

chilled.. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass

indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right

off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the

balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper

expression, didn't you.)

Ageless Senior Moments

Thanks to Ray O'.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

***************************The Census

The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered all his questions except one: she refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

The census taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills."

***************************

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

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Where To Retire

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6 The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where..

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can live in New York City where...

1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature".

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'' is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Joe, Billy Ray, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where..

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND, finally, you can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

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Senior Cheer

***************************

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited

about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the

wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do yo u sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes

for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry. "

What they Used to Look Like

Thanks to David M.

I cannot come in to work today

Thanks to David M.

Naubinway, MI, is about 40 miles west of the Mackinaw bridge in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

Hello Boss,

I cannot come in to work today.

There was a moose born on my front lawn and

the Momma won't let me out of the house!!!!

==========================================

Baby Moose 12 Hours old, born in the middle of downtown Naubinway,

Michigan

In my 33 years in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, I have never seen a

new-born baby moose.

This one was not even a half mile from our house. The mother picked a small, quiet neighborhood, and had her baby in a front yard just off of US 2, 5:30 AM. Allen and I were out bike riding when we came upon the pair. The lady across the street from this house told us she saw it being born. We saw them at 5:30 PM. So the little one was 12 hours old.

What an awesome place we live in to see such a sight.

Makes it really tough to use your front door!

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