Sunday Family Humour 23rd March Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 23rd March Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
Retired and Bored
Thanks to Lee
For all my thinking about or close to retirement friends.
A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a
'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these
before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my
friend was considerate enough to take the time to send it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was
nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer;
but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at
the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I
always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that
frequent the establishment.
But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me,
probably in his early thirties, asked,
"Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"?
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."
I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried,
"When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.
"1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded,
"Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."
This was beginning to be way fun!
"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed.
"How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect,
leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said,
"I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing,
"that is seriously awesome!
But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone,
"You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I
shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.'
"Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you?
We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the
door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart
attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with my
Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the license agency and wear my Border
Patrol hat,and see how long it takes to empty the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring - just needs the right kind of cap!
Starling Murmurations
Thanks to Murray S.
Nature's Garden
Thanks to Paul S.
To receive the weekly link to the latest Sunday Family humour,
send an email to dgwest7@gmail.com
saying subscribe Sunday Family Humour.
No costs, nothing else needed. Welcome and thank you.
Just For A Laugh
Thanks to Tony H.
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound
to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve
got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.
Well, that’s when it all kicked off.
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says
"Don't laugh, your next."
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said
"You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them."
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in
the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a
speaking part."
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women. The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday.
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and
the wife has gone back to her mother
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks
"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
Great Collection
Thanks to Ray O'.
Fallout Shelter
Thanks to Tony H.
Family discovers fully-stocked Fallout Shelter
in their back yard 50 years after it was installed.
The stocked shelter is just one example of the fears that many Americans felt during the Cold War,
when the threat of nuclear warfare was all too real.
The family cleared away the bushes that had grown over the cover of the shelter.
Not only is it fascinating to see the well-preserved time capsule,
but it's also interesting to see what the 1960s family deemed
necessary for 2 weeks underground in a 8’ x 10’ bunker.
When the Zwicks’ unlocked the heavy metal hatch,
they found watertight Army surplus boxes
floating in 5 feet of water that had seeped into the shelter.
The boxes' contents were in pristine condition.
After pumping out the water, they brought up the crates
and were astounded at what they found.
Hidden Treasure:
Preserved: The previous owner of the shelter packed away
Candies, raisins, Hershey's syrup and other sweets - likely
as treats to get through the long days underground.
(ALSO, items like toilet paper, paper towels, candles, clothing,
Bedding, medical supplies, tools, flashlights, batteries. Foodstuffs
that -- like many processed foods available today -- could
withstand a bomb or two: Tang, Corn Flakes and Butterscotch Bits.
It's unknown why the past owner decided he
needed to store a Phone Book …..???
***
The family donated all of the items to the Neenah Historical Society,
which has curated an exhibit about the Cold War and the fear of the Soviets using 'The Bomb.'
Shelters were supposed to keep inhabitants safe for 2 weeks from radiation fallout.
Down, down, down: The muddy ladder.
The rusted military supply boxes preserved
the contents remarkably well
Even these paper towels were freshly sealed after 50 years
'It’s interesting that you can open up something and find 1960 inside of it.'
It's unknown what fallout the late Dr. Pansch was expecting in Neenah.
The small Wisconsin city is 100 miles from Milwaukee and nearly 200
Miles from Chicago - the population centers that might have been
targeted by the Soviets.
Supplies: Candles, garden hose, transistor radio, alarm clock,
Geiger counter to determine radiation levels, an axe, a funnel
were dozens of items stashed.
The Woman Marine Pilot
Thanks to Murray S.
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment:
get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory,
and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife,
till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens”, said the horrified teacher.
“What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
“Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking.”
Did you Enjoy This Page?
Please click +1
