Sunday Family Humour 27th October Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Non PC Jokes

Thanks to Chris A.

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

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Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

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A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

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Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

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A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

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The last is always best

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Great 50's and 60's Video

Thanks to Paul S.

Feeling Unappreciated

Thanks to Graham H.

The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, think of this guy:

Things Got You Down? Well Then, Consider These. . . READ ON!!

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,

on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths

occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday,so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM

all of the doctors and nursesnervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books,

and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00,

Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward

and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being

released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers..

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,

almost in a dancing frenzy,

with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,

she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of

wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Are You OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs

to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,Germany.

Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose

and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.

It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better?

Some Funnies

Thanks To Ray O'.

..if a man says he’ll fix something, he’ll do it.

There is no need to remind him every six months, or so.

Retirement in USA

Thanks to David M.

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where:

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in

the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face

when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR - You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long

it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own

language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note: if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR - You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. (another Ed. Note: it

is called "hot dish")

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are winter, still winter, almost winter, and

construction.

OR- You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob,

Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Linda Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

It's important to know the difference, too.

OR - You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home

and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR - You can retire to the central Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was

different!"

OR - FINALLY

You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people

OR YOU CAN RETIRE IN THAILAND OR LAOS, WHICH MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE!!!

Optical Illusions to drive you nuts

Thanks to Frans

1. The rod in the middle does not exist.

I Didn't Know That.

Thanks to Frans R.

His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother.

Early in life, he proved to be gifted for music and, with three other kids, he sang in the streets of New Orleans and his first gains were the coins that were thrown to them.

A Jewish family, Karnovsky, who had immigrated from Lithuania to the USA, had pity for the 7-year-old boy and brought him into their home. Initially given 'work' in the House, to feed this hungry child. Then he remained and slept in this Jewish family where, for the first time in his life, he was treated with kindness and tenderness.

When he went to bed, Mrs. Karnovsky sang him a Russian Lullaby that he would sing with her.Later, he learned to sing and play several Russian and Jewish songs. Over time, this boy became the adopted son of this family. The Karnovskys gave him money to buy his first trumpet; as was the custom in the Jewish families, they sincerely admired his musical talent.

Later, when he became a professional musician and composer,he used these Jewish melodies in compositions, such as St. James Infirmary and Go down, Moses.The little black boy grew up and wrote a book about this Jewish family who had adopted him in 1907.

In memory of this family and until the end of his life, he wore a star of David and he said that it is in this family that he had learned "how to live real life and determination".

This little boy was called Louis Armstrong. What a wonderful world!!!

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