Sunday Family Humour 29th September Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 29th September Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
An Irish Miracle
Thanks to Ray M.
"Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won’t say what it is but wants Fr. Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr. Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr. Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome.
The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room,
quite outside the normal run of the phenomena.
Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous,
ruling out all possible natural explanations.
In this case we have declared no miracle.
For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Rehab program -- in the nude
Thanks to Frans
Trivia
Thanks to Butch
The Pinapple
Thanks to Fritz
The Pineapple is a member of the bromeliad family.
It is extremely rare that bromeliads produce edible fruit.
The pineapple is the only available edible bromeliad today.
It is a multiple fruit. One pineapple is actually made up of
dozens of individual
floweret's
that grow together to form the entire fruit.
Each scale on a pineapple is evidence of a separate flower.
Pineapples stop ripening the minute they are picked.
No special way of storing them will help ripen them further.
Colour is relatively unimportant in determining ripeness.
Choose your pineapple by smell.
If it smells fresh, tropical and sweet, it will be a good fruit.
The more scales on the pineapple, the sweeter and juicier they taste.
After you cut off the top, you can plant it.
It should grow much like a sweet potato will.
This delicious fruit is not only sweet and tropical;
it also offers many benefits to our health.
Pineapple is a remarkable fruit.
We find it enjoyable because of its lush, sweet and exotic flavor,
but it may also be one of the most healthful foods available today.
If we take a more detailed look at it, we will find that pineapple
is valuable for easing indigestion, arthritis or sinusitis.
The juice has an anthelminthic effect; it helps get rid of
intestinal worms.
Let's look at how pineapple affects other conditions.
Pineapple is high in manganese,
a mineral that is critical to development of strong bones and
connective tissue.
A cup of fresh pineapple will give you nearly 75% of the
recommended daily amount.
It is particularly helpful to older adults, whose bones tend to
become
brittle with age.
Bromelain, a proteolytic enzyme, is the key to pineapple's value.
Proteolytic means "breaks down protein", which is why pineapple
is known
to be a digestive aid. It helps the body digest proteins more
efficiently.
Bromelain is also considered an effective anti-inflammatory.
Regular ingestion of at least one half cup of fresh pineapple
daily is
purported to relieve painful joints common to osteoarthritis.
It also produces mild pain relief.
In Germany , bromelain is approved as a post-injury medication
because
it is thought to reduce inflammation and swelling.
Orange juice is a popular liquid for those suffering from a
cold because
it is high in Vitamin C. Fresh pineapple is not only high in
this vitamin,
but because of the Bromelain, it has the ability to reduce
mucous in the throat.
If you have a cold with a productive cough, add pineapple to
your diet.
It is commonly used in Europe as a post-operative measure to
cut mucous
after certain sinus and throat operations.
Those individuals who eat fresh pineapple daily report fewer
sinus problems
related to allergies.
In and of itself, pineapple has a very low risk for allergies.
Pineapple is also known to discourage blood clot development.
This makes it a
valuable dietary addition for frequent fliers and others who
may be at risk
for blood clots.
An old folk remedy for morning sickness is fresh pineapple juice.
it really works!
Fresh juice and some nuts first thing in the morning often
make a difference.
It's also good for a healthier mouth. The fresh juice
discourages plaque growth.
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Phil & Joe
Thanks to Unslave me
Two 90-year-old men, Phil and Joe,
had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Phil was dying,
Joe visited him every day.
One day Joe said,
"Phil, we both loved playing golf all our lives,
and we played all through high school.
Please do me one favor:
when you get to heaven,
somehow let me know if there's golf there."
Phil looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said,
"Joe, you've been my best
friend for many years.
If it's at all possible,
I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Phil died.
A few nights later,
Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash
of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Joe, Joe its me Phil ."
"You're not Phil. He just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me," insisted the voice.
"Phil, where are you?"
"In heaven, "he replied.
"I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.
"The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm,
"is that there is golf in heaven.
Better yet,
all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too.
Even better than that, we're all young again .
Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows .
And best of all, we can play golf all we want,
and we never get tired. "
And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.
"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You have a tee-time on Tuesday."
Life is uncertain - Eat dessert first!!!
The Pineapple
The Pineapple is a member of the bromeliad family.
It is extremely rare that bromeliads produce edible fruit.
The pineapple is the only available edible bromeliad today.
It is a multiple fruit. One pineapple is actually made up of dozens of
individual floweret's
that grow together to form the entire fruit.
Each scale on a pineapple is evidence of a separate flower.
Pineapples stop ripening the minute they are picked.
No special way of storing them will help ripen them further.
Colour is relatively unimportant in determining ripeness.
Choose your pineapple by smell.
If it smells fresh, tropical and sweet, it will be a good fruit.
The more scales on the pineapple, the sweeter and juicier they taste.
After you cut off the top, you can plant it.
It should grow much like a sweet potato will.
This delicious fruit is not only sweet and tropical; it also offers many
benefits to our health.
Pineapple is a remarkable fruit.
We find it enjoyable because of its lush, sweet and exotic flavor, but
it may also be one
of the most healthful foods available today.
If we take a more detailed look at it, we will find that pineapple is
valuable for easing
indigestion, arthritis or sinusitis.
The juice has an anthelminthic effect; it helps get rid of intestinal worms.
Let's look at how pineapple affects other conditions.
Pineapple is high in manganese,
a mineral that is critical to development of strong bones and connective tissue.
A cup of fresh pineapple will give you nearly 75% of the recommended daily amount.
It is particularly helpful to older adults, whose bones tend to become
brittle with age.
Bromelain, a proteolytic enzyme, is the key to pineapple's value.
Proteolytic means "breaks down protein", which is why pineapple is known
to be a digestive aid.
It helps the body digest proteins more efficiently.
Bromelain is also considered an effective anti-inflammatory.
Regular ingestion of at least one half cup of fresh pineapple daily is
purported to relieve
painful joints common to osteoarthritis.
It also produces mild pain relief.
In Germany , bromelain is approved as a post-injury medication because it is thought to
reduce inflammation and swelling.
Orange juice is a popular liquid for those suffering from a cold because
it is high in Vitamin C.
Fresh pineapple is not only high in this vitamin, but because of the Bromelain,
it has the ability to reduce mucous in the throat.
If you have a cold with a productive cough, add pineapple to your diet.
It is commonly used in Europe as a post-operative measure to cut mucous after certain
sinus and throat operations.
Those individuals who eat fresh pineapple daily report fewer sinus problems
related to allergies.
In and of itself, pineapple has a very low risk for allergies.
Pineapple is also known to discourage blood clot development. This makes it a valuable
dietary addition for frequent fliers and others who may be at risk for blood clots.
An old folk remedy for morning sickness is fresh pineapple juice.
it really works!
Fresh juice and some nuts first thing in the morning often make a difference.
It's also good for a healthier mouth. The fresh juice discourages plaque growth.
Joke from Downunder
Thanks to Chris A.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him
pulled out her
cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.
It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough,
he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
Puns for Educated Minds
Thanks to Butch
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
--------
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
--------
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
--------
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
--------
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
--------
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
--------
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
--------
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
--------
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
--------
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
--------
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
--------
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
--------
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
' Keep off the Grass.'
--------
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
--------
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
--------
A backward poet writes inverse.
--------
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
--------
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
--------
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
stewardess looks at him and says,
" I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
--------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, " Dam! "
--------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
--------
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, " I've lost my electron. " The other says,
" Are you sure? "
The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive. "
--------
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
--------
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of
the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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