Sunday Family Humour 30th March

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour


Golf Balls

Thanks to Ray O'.
 
(Receptionist)Hello, Welcome to Obama Golf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?
(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it.
 I triedyour web site, but it seems like it is not working.
So I am calling the 800number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by theend of 2014.
But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards,
I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite, or Callaway Blue.
 
(Customer)But I have played Pro V1 for years.
 
(Receptionist)The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable,
so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them.
Top Flites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.
 
(Customer)But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?
 
(Receptionist)That is all spelled out in the 2700 page "Affordable Golf Ball Act" passed by Congress.
 
(Customer)Well, how much are these TopFlites?
 
(Receptionist)It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?
 
(Customer)What's the difference?
 
(Receptionist)12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.
 
(Customer)The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?
 
(Receptionist)It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?
 
(Customer)What does that have to do with anything?
 
(Receptionist)I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy;
then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be.
But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case,
 I can refer you to our Ball Aid department.
 
(Customer)Ball Aid?
 
(Receptionist)Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls.
So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.
 
(Customer)Who said they were a right?
 
(Receptionist)Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.
 
(Customer)Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golfballs as a right.
 
(Receptionist)There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution,
but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar
and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution
had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men.
The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President
that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.
 
(Customer)I don't believe this.
 
(Receptionist)It's the law of the land, sir.
Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?
 
(Customer)Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.
 
(Receptionist)In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.
 
(Customer)Why?
 
(Receptionist)To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.
 
(Customer)WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.
 
(Receptionist)It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court.
 It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.
 
(Customer)(interrupting)This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.
 
(Receptionist)Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!
 
(Receptionist)Actually, sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.
 
(Customer)Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here.
This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.
 
(Receptionist)Sorry to hear that, sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.
 
(Customer)Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.
 
(DoorBell ringsfollowed immediately by a loud knock on the door)
 
(Receptionist)That would be the IRS, sir.
Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day...
and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

Monaco

Thanks to Lee

M o n a c o



Disappearing Car Door

Thanks to David H.

Disappearing Car Door



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The 10 Most Expensive Cars 2012-2013

Thanks to Lee

There are many beautiful, expensive cars on the roads these days, cars with hundreds of horse powered elegance zooming along the highways. But which are the MOST amazing and expensive cars in all the world right now?
  Which fulfill the fantasies of every car lover and many who aren't?  These are them, the top of the top.
  Here are the 10 most expensive cars of 2012/2013!

10. SSC Ultimate Aero: $654,400
Expensive Car 1


  Don't let the price tag fool you, this American made car is actually the 3rd fastest street legal car in the world with a top speed of 257 mph and reaching 0-60 mph in 2.7 seconds.  It is estimated that only 25 of this exact model will be produced.
9. Pagani Zonda C12 F: $667,321
Expensive Car 2


  Produced by a small independent company in Italy, the Pagani Zonda C12 F is the 9th most expensive car in the world. It promises to deliver a top speed of 215 mph and go from 0-60 mph in 3.5 seconds.
8. Ferrari Enzo: $670,000
Expensive Car 3


  The most popular supercar ever built. The Enzo has a top speed of 217 mph and able to go from 0 to 60 mph in 3.4 seconds. Only 400 were produced and it is currently being sold for over $1,000,000 at auctions.
7. McLaren F1: $970,000
Expensive Car 4


  In 1994, the McLaren F1 was the fastest and most expensive car.  Even though it was built more than 15 years ago, it still has an unbelievable top speed of 240 mph and reaching 60 mph in 3.2 seconds.  Even today, the McLaren F1 is still top on the list and outperforms other supercars.
6. Hennessey Venom GT Spyder: $1,100,000
Expensive Car 5


  What makes the 2013 Hennessey Venom GT Spyder is its price tag, a compelling 1.1 million dollars. There is no other convertible in the world today that can match-up with this car. Not to mention that it goes from 0-60 mph in 2.5 seconds.
5. Zenvo ST1: $1,225,000
Expensive Car 6

  Able to reach 60 mph in 2.9 seconds and a top speed of 233 mph. The Zenvo ST1 is from a new Danish supercar company that will compete to be the best in speed and style. The ST1 is limited to 15 units and the company even promised to keep your car running.
4. Maybach Landaulet: $1,380,000
Expensive Car 7


  The Landaulet is the most expensive sedan on the market and it can go from 0-60 mph in 5.2 seconds. It is one the most luxurious cars ever made, this comes with a convertible roof that fully opens at the rear. This Maybach is made especially for CEOs and Executives who have their own personal driver.
TIED FOR 3RD PLACE
3. Koenigsegg Agera R: $1,600,000
Expensive Car 8

  The Agera R can burn 0-60 mph in 2.8 seconds, reaching a maximum speed of 260 mph. It is equipped to reach 270 mph, but the supercar is electronically limited to 235 mph. You will need to sign a waiver, only then does the company unlock the speed limiter for a given occasion.
3. Lamborghini Reventon: $1,600,000
Expensive Car 9

  The most powerful and the most expensive Lamborghini ever built is the third on the list. It takes 3.3 seconds to reach 60 mph and it has a top speed of 211 mph. Its rare (limited to 20) and slick design are the reasons why it is expensive and costly to own.
TIED FOR 2ND PLACE:
2. Pagani Zonda Cinque Roadster: $1,850,000
Expensive Car 10

  One of the most exotic cars out there is also one of the most expensive. It can go from 0-60 mph in 3.4 seconds with a top speed of 217 mph.
2. Aston Martin One 77: $1,850,000
Expensive Car 11


  The name says it all: beauty and power in One, limited to 77 units. With 750 hp, it is able to travel from 0 to 60 mph in 3.4 seconds and reaching a maximum speed of 220 mph.
1. Bugatti Veyron Super Sports: $2,400,000
Expensive Car 12


  This is by far the most expensive street legal production car available on the market today (the base Veyron costs $1,700,000). Capable of reaching 0-60 mph in 2.5 seconds, the Veyron is the fastest street legal car when tested again on July 10, 2010 with the 2010 Super Sport Version reaching a top speed of 267 mph. When competing against a Bugatti Veyron, you better be prepared!



Reasons to Drink Lemon Water before Breakfast!

Thanks to Rose
5 Reasons to Drink Lemon Water before Breakfast!

Lemon Water



In The Precise Moment

Thanks to Murray S.

In the precise moment



World in Pictures

Thanks to Lee

WORLD



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