What a wonderful one page handout. You have made this process of having an empathy circle so simple that truly anyone could try it out.
And the secret is in empowering the speaker to be the one who keeps asking for the listening that they want specific to the kind of person they are, and until they feel heard.
And, yes, we can add many things to make empathy circles deeper or brighter in education, like self-empathy Focusing, NVC, etc., but just spreading this basic, simple, every day, self-help model would change the world. Like 12 step groups. You don't need a leader. You walk in and there is a piece of paper telling how to run the meeting.
And I know that Edwin is adding simple videos on just this process as well.
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"And the secret is in empowering the speaker to be the one who keeps asking for the listening that they want specific to the kind of person they are, and until they feel heard.”
Yes exactly, that is what we need to make clear, that as the speaker there is the opportunity to be heard to your satisfaction and if you are not heard you need to keep, in a way, teaching the listener to hear you. It’s really about the mutual relational empathy. Everyone has a responsibility to foster the relational empathic space. It’s not this one way individualistic empathy that is taught in therapy with the therapist doing all the listening for the client. I think that was the insight Gene Gendlin had was that the empathizee has a big role to play as well.
I’ve had people in empathy circles drop out because they say they are not heard the way they want to be heard and blame it on the listeners. Instead of taking the responsibility to express themselves and keep showing the listener how they want to be heard. We need steps for how people can express their feelings better.
I’m still not sure how to address this situation where the speaker complains about not being heard the way they want to be heard and then withdraw. One way is to hear them and reflect that they don’t feel heard and that they want to withdraw. But I think more can be done beforehand to make clear that before entering an empathy circle that you have a responsibility to show how they want to be seen.
I had created a “feeling heard meter”. Instead of just saying you feel heard, you have a scale of 1 to 10 on how accurately you were heard. edwin
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I can't talk about this right now. I am so poisoned by the lack of empathy I've been experiencing in the political realm, even among friends and family, that I am in shock.
Bottom line is that I am into teaching people how to do empathic listening and I am not into talking about empathy while not doing it.
I am in mourning for the opportunity of 40 years of training that has been lost and the results.
I will say more when I am not so grumpy! I am glad you are still able to move into some kind of action with the police etc.
Kathy
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I hear you are feeling grumpy and in shock about the lack of empathy in the culture.
I’m there with you. I also feel we need to do empathic listening and just not talk about empathy.
I’d be glad to get together and/or from a group that does empathic listening.
I also mourn the lost 40 years. You are a real pioneer in this relational empathy approach. This is the most effective approach that I know of for practicing empathy. I’m confounded why the PCA and Focusing community, etc didn’t do more to promote this.
Warmly,
Edwin
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Thanks for the empathy. It brings tears which, as you know, I value as grounding.
Yes, maybe a group to practice empathy. Let's think of how to do that for maximum support as well as effectiveness.
Kathy
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I feel you were on the right track with the relational empathy for all these years. We just need to find ways to make it more accessible and desirable for people.
What would you like to do next?
It seems to me we need empathy circle practice groups. I do all this work with empathy and don’t even have a regular empathy circle group. I’m imagining we get 4 or 5 of us together to start a regular empathy circle as a start.
I was just reading this article about the rise of American authoritarianism
The counter solution is really what we have been offer with empathy.
Warmly,
Edwin
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I think we need to develop the empathy circle model. Create easy to understand directions, a video introduction, etc.
And above all do it for my own well being..
starting to feel a lot of stress and anxiety. I need an empathy circle.
edwin
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I agree. I do not imagine myself doing listening on the streets, but I imagine using the impetus of this group and this world listening day to get empathy focusing circles started in every community all over the world which is my goal.
As you are exhausted I'm doing many other things, I am exhausted of doing empathy focusing support groups as I have for 40 years with them not spreading beyond my own local group.
So, I would be happy to run an empathy focusing support group if it were also a training group for people who are committed to going back to their communities and starting a support group with the larger goal of building cadres of empathy facilitators who can go out into the community and prevent and resolve conflict.
All, hopefully you and I can combine our two needs.
The world listening day impetus gave me the first blast of energy I have had for days. Me, it means a lot of people doing the work that you and I have tried to do, putting in some elbow grease so we have to do less.
Kathy
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“As you are exhausted I'm doing many other things, I am exhausted of doing empathy focusing support groups as I have for 40 years with them not spreading beyond my own local group. "
Happy to run an empathy focusing support group
So, I would be happy to run an empathy focusing support group if it were also a training group for people who are committed to going back to their communities and starting a support group with the larger goal of building cadres of empathy facilitators who can go out into the community and prevent and resolve conflict.”
I’m hearing you are exhausted from doing empathy focusing support groups for so many years and them not spreading.
Problem: Empathy Circles or Empathy Focusing Groups do not spread.
Yes, I really wonder about that. Why have they not spread more? totally baffling to me. I’ve done lots of circles and people just drop out and drift away. I think I read Carl Rogers once say that certain people didn’t want to be open with empathy because they would realize how they sacrificed themselves during their life and the pain is too much. He was referring to men who shut down their open sharing of feelings, sort of sacrificing themselves, to adapt to the society.
I see how effective Empathy Circles are. It’s the core practice for learning empathy and all the benefits. I was doing some empathic mediation with my 5 to 7 year old nephews and nieces. They were having conflict and I used empathy to help them work it out. Then I showed them how to do an empathy circle. Now when I see they have a conflict I say, “We have a conflict, what do we do?” and they say. “We have an empathy circle!” Last time I was there Anne, my 5 year old niece said, after resolving a conflict, “I like empathy circles, let’s do it again!”
It might be like exercise. People know exercise is good for you but they don’t do it for whatever reasons.
It might also be we have not framed or ‘marketed’ them effectively. There may be some tweaks to make them more appealing.
people are busy
There seems to be something about the time it takes for an empathy circle and people are busy. They feel they have to push and push. No time to open up and empathize….. until you burn out and then go to the therapist to get fixed so you can get back in the game and push.
It might be there is not a clear overarching relational empathy philosophy and understanding of the power of empathy circles.
From a design challenge perspective the question is:
How might we support empathy circles in spreading around the world?
Forming an Empathy Circle
So I am seeing some energy for having empathy circles with participants that want to also spread them out into society.
Warmly
edwin
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Still making dinner here and then have to eat it, but the title of that article is enough! I have been very disappointed in the behavior of the far left. I believe they're into black-and-white thinking and caricature and demonizing just like far right!
1 in 8 stay
I have told you that every empathy focusing circle that I started DID oh on and on, for five and 10 years, people coming every Sunday evening for three hours. That's, only about one out of eight of the people I thought would be interested became one of the ones who hung in there.
Hold Empathy focusing groups for empathy facilitators
So now I think empathy focusing groups as support for the empathy trainers in a certain community, and them training empathy facilitators to go out and do the more simple empathy circles for conflict resolution. Something like that. I love the example with your nieces!
Connecting with interfaith community,
I am still thinking of looking in the interfaith community, since every church or synagogue or Mosca probably has some kind of an empathic /compassionate out reach program. I want to attract the heart centered rather than head centered people. and the people who are drawn to volunteering their time not having a "profession" and making $100 an hour . But more another time.
eight more people
We could start by looking for eight more people from the empathy trainers association but also the focusing association and even the person centered association who have an interest in participating in this support group in order to turn around and pass it on in their communities. We could possibly tape the sessions.
Kathy