TIL - 59

Wen Huo rode her motorcycle to the top of the mountain. There was a restaurant there with a 1970s design aesthetic. Chen Cheng had brought Wen Huo here before. The owner’s wife had passed away early, so he moved from the city center to this place, where he raised cats and dogs and watched the sunrise and sunset every day. The owner was surprised to see Wen Huo, but he quickly ushered her inside. Her clothes were soaked.

Wen Huo sat on a wooden stool, holding a cup of hot water the owner had given her. She watched as the owner brought over a plate of grilled fish. Hot steam rose between them, completely obscuring their faces. It was as if no one was sad, and no one had aged from the loss of a spouse. The owner served her a bowl of rice without saying a word. He wasn’t good at comforting people, and Wen Huo didn’t seem to want comfort anyway.

Wen Huo couldn’t eat. Her tooth had been hurting lately, and she had a poor appetite. She didn’t want to eat anything, and whatever she did eat, she would throw up. She just stared blankly at the simmering fish soup and the fish, which was crispy on the outside and tender on the inside with green onions.

Time passed slowly. The owner ate two bites and couldn’t eat anymore either. He warmed up a cup of milk for her and added sugar. The moment Wen Huo smelled the milk, she felt nauseous again and ran to the bathroom to throw up. The owner wanted to call her man, but it was clear they had a fight. If he called, wouldn’t he be betraying her trust? After all, she came to him when she was sad.

When Wen Huo came out of the bathroom, her face was pale, and her lips were white. The owner had already disposed of the milk and the fish, and he had opened a window to air out the room, but she still put on her helmet to block out the smells. Then came the soft sobs. She was trying to hold it in. The rain was heavy outside, but the owner could still hear her clearly. She was crying. She was wearing the helmet to cry in secret. He decided to send her man a message. She looked so sad; he couldn’t bear the responsibility.

When Chen Cheng arrived, Wen Huo was still wearing the helmet, her shoulders shaking slightly. Her clothes were soaked, and his heart ached for her. He put the coat he had brought over her shoulders, knelt down, and instead of taking off her helmet, he asked softly, “Can we go home?” Wen Huo’s shoulders shook even more violently. Chen Cheng slowly hugged her and didn’t say anything, just held her. The owner watched, filled with envy. He could never hug the woman he loved again.

Chen Cheng waited until Wen Huo’s emotions had stabilized a little before he picked her up in his arms and prepared to leave. The owner saw them off to the vegetable garden and reminded Chen Cheng, “Cherish the chance you have to hold her. You still have a chance. Some people don’t anymore.” Chen Cheng paused for a moment, said nothing, and left.

On the way home, Wen Huo sat in the passenger seat, still silent. Chen Cheng didn’t say anything either. The rain outside was so heavy that the car felt like a boat. Inside, it was like the Truman Show after it had fallen apart, and the rest of the plot could only be completed in silence.

When they got home, Chen Cheng took Wen Huo to the bathroom. He ran the water for her and washed the rain from her body himself. He also wanted to wash away her sadness, but it was difficult. It was attached to her skin, telling him how stubborn it was with its icy touch. He carried her to bed and held her from behind. She never resisted. When they fought before, she would resist fiercely, but this time she was just like she was the last time she had left him.

Chen Cheng couldn’t control his low spirits. He had fought against them for so many years, but they always seemed to be undefeated, so powerful that even though he could hold Wen Huo now, he still felt fear. The rain fell all night, and they didn’t sleep. They both knew, but neither of them said anything.

Wen Huo and Chen Cheng were in a cold war. Chen Cheng didn’t ask, and Wen Huo didn’t say. The relationship was starting to fall apart. Both of them lost weight quickly, especially Wen Huo. She wasn’t eating properly now; she would throw up as much as she ate. Chen Cheng tried many different things, and he hired one chef after another, but nothing improved.

Jin Ge was observant and felt that something was wrong. She would go to their place every few days to see Wen Huo and talk to her. Wen Huo’s condition was very poor, as if she had returned to the period when she couldn’t sleep. She would often stare at the sky alone at night, or ride her motorcycle on the highway and mountain roads with just a helmet on. Chen Cheng was worried about her, so he would follow behind her in his car.

Jin Ge felt that this couldn’t go on and hoped they would just talk things out. Even if they couldn’t be together and were destined to separate, it would be better than torturing each other like this. Chen Cheng couldn’t. He couldn’t leave Wen Huo, and Wen Huo couldn’t leave him. He could be like this. He was willing to follow her like this. He could protect her... Jin Ge couldn’t do anything else, so she stopped trying to persuade him and joined him in protecting her.

Cheng Cuo wanted to treat Wen Huo, but she wouldn’t see him. Cheng Cuo could only judge from Chen Cheng’s descriptions. She was probably suffering from depression, as she had been acting so erratically lately. Only Chen Cheng knew that she was repressed and sad. Su Di’s death was a barrier between them, but she had already become unable to leave him, Chen Cheng.

Unknowingly, half a month passed. Chen Cheng was still looking for chefs, and the salary he was offering was higher than a three-Michelin-star chef’s. A chef, full of confidence, made a refreshing dinner, but Wen Huo only took one look at it and ran to the bathroom to throw up. Chen Cheng hadn’t raised his voice in half a month, afraid of annoying Wen Huo. But he couldn’t even get her to eat one meal. He got angry and lost his temper. The chef was frightened.

The secretary had recently been told by Chen Cheng’s doctor about his condition, so he could understand why Chen Cheng was like this. But he still apologized to the chef as he was leaving. It wasn’t that the chef wasn’t good enough, but that Chen Cheng was sick, and his emotions were as fragile as paper. The chef was stunned but then understood. He sighed repeatedly. “Rich people have their own problems. That couple looks so miserable.” The secretary heard him and couldn’t help but get teary-eyed. He had been with Chen Cheng for so many years and had only just learned about his condition. How had he managed to endure it all by himself for so long?

In the room, Chen Cheng pressed his chest, breathing calmly. When he was sure he could speak properly, he walked to the bathroom, knelt down in front of Wen Huo, and tried to take her hand. Wen Huo couldn’t hold on anymore. Tears fell into the toilet like rain. Chen Cheng put his arm around her shoulder and called her name. “Huohuo.” Wen Huo really couldn’t hold on. She turned around and let all the words she had been holding in burst out. “Do you have anything to tell me?”

Chen Cheng didn’t say a word.

Wen Huo pulled her hand away. “Don’t pretend to be dead. Do you have anything to say to me right now?!” Chen Cheng wasn’t refusing to speak. He just didn’t know how. His illness had worsened dramatically after Wen Huo found out about his involvement in Su Di’s death, and he was no longer able to express himself properly. Many times, his silence wasn’t his choice; it was the depression controlling him, and he didn’t want Wen Huo to know, so he could only remain silent.

Wen Huo stood up, wiping away her tears. “Aren’t you so impressive? Don’t you have all the power in the world? How come you can’t even say a word now? Tell me! Can’t you talk about what you’ve done, like you did when you committed a crime?” Chen Cheng’s breathing became difficult, and his heart rate sped up to a level he had never experienced before.

Wen Huo sneered and stopped pushing. Her eyes were full of resolution. “Fine. Fine. Remember to visit my grave next Qingming. Chen Cheng.” She had to go. She had to leave, even if it meant she could never sleep again. She turned and walked away.

Chen Cheng no longer had the strength to chase after her. As Wen Huo left, he collapsed like a great hall with its central pillar removed, falling heavily to the ground. His ashen face showed his despair for life.

Wen Huo ran into the elevator, tears streaming down her face. She desperately pressed the numbers, her desire to escape so clear, but her hands wouldn’t cooperate, and she kept pressing the wrong floor. She was angry and anxious, and she broke down again, crying uncontrollably with her head tilted back. The elevator door finally closed. She leaned against the wall, slowly sliding to the floor, a complete mess. Would the world ever be good again? It certainly wouldn’t. Maybe everyone should just die. Everyone should just die together. She could be the first to go. Living was so pointless. But she couldn’t die right now.

The elevator stopped, and the door opened. She saw the residents waiting for the elevator. They looked at her disheveled state with concern and asked, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Wen Huo was suddenly afraid to step out of the door. She didn’t get off the elevator and went back up with the people inside. Someone asked her, “What floor are you going to? I’ll press it for you.” She looked at the familiar numbers on the keypad but couldn’t say the number.

At that moment, a resident recognized her and pressed her floor number for her. “You’re Teacher Chen’s wife, aren’t you?” Teacher Chen’s wife. Wen Huo’s heart ached. She couldn’t answer. When she got to her floor, she quickly got out of the elevator, went back home, and found Chen Cheng. He was sitting on the floor like a dead man, without any of his usual elegance. She walked over, knelt down, and after a long time, she slowly reached for his hand and held it. “Teacher Chen.”

Chen Cheng looked at her. She had come back. He should have been happy, but he couldn’t be. The depression had completely taken over. It was like a demon in a martial arts novel. When the demon successfully took over his body, he no longer had his own thoughts or the ability to resist.

Wen Huo’s tears wouldn’t stop. She asked him in a very soft voice, “Will you tell me? Please?” Chen Cheng couldn’t. Wen Huo tried to hug him. “Teacher Chen, just tell me. If you tell me, I’ll believe you. Just tell me.” Chen Cheng couldn’t. Wen Huo kissed his lips and eyes, her tears falling on his face. “No matter what the truth is, as long as you tell me, I’ll let it go, okay? As long as you speak...” Chen Cheng wanted to talk, but he couldn’t. He could only watch as Wen Huo became more and more sad.

Wen Huo’s heart was breaking. Why couldn’t he just say one word when she was willing to let go of Su Di’s death? Was it that hard? As long as he spoke, she would run to him without a second thought... She slowly stood up and backed away. She wasn’t willing to talk anymore either. Chen Cheng had tears in his eyes, but he couldn’t cry. He just watched Wen Huo leave him, step by step.

The door closed. Wen Huo clutched the car keys in her hand. It was as if she had made up her mind. She was going back to Canada. Whether it was called running away or being a coward, she didn’t want to stay here anymore. But as she walked out of the elevator, she felt as if she was being torn apart. She felt as though her whole body was covered in cuts, and salt was being rubbed into them. Every single cell felt a jolt of pain. It was getting harder for her to walk away. The feeling of being torn apart got stronger with every step. Leaving Chen Cheng was almost like dying.

She finally got to her car but couldn’t start it. A passerby told her she hadn’t even put the key in, but she didn’t listen and continued trying. The passerby saw that she wasn’t in her right mind and left. Wen Huo couldn’t start the car, and she turned to look at the lobby on the first floor. Chen Cheng hadn’t come out after her. Her tears flowed even more fiercely. This time, she finally started the car, rode out the door, got on the road, and passed two traffic lights. She didn’t know how long she had been riding, but the streetlights on this road were all the same. She turned back. She couldn’t leave Chen Cheng. If he wouldn’t talk, then she wouldn’t make him. It was just a compromise, right? She would be the one to compromise. It was no big deal. Su Di wasn’t important anymore. Nothing was important anymore. She loved Chen Cheng. Chen Cheng was the most important thing.

She rushed back, ran upstairs, and she was going to give him a hug. She was going to apologize. He had been through so much lately. She was going to hold his waist and sleep in his arms. She was going to marry him and put her name on his household registration... But when she entered the house, what she saw was Chen Cheng, who was already lying in a pool of blood with his eyes closed. She was stunned for three seconds, then screamed. “Ah—”

She ran to him, fell, got up, and frantically held him, afraid of hurting him, but also afraid that he would never feel pain again. She called his name like a madwoman, and she tried to call for help like a madwoman. But she couldn’t press the right numbers or open her contacts. When she finally managed to make a call, and it was connected, she couldn’t even say a complete sentence. Her world was filled with death, and she could no longer express herself rationally and calmly.

The call was disconnected. She couldn’t wait any longer, so she carried Chen Cheng on her back and ran out. She didn’t know how her small frame could support the weight of a grown man like Chen Cheng, but she carried him anyway. When she got outside, she screamed and called her neighbors out. She bowed to them repeatedly, even with an unconscious Chen Cheng on her back, even though she might not be able to stand up again every time she bowed. “Please save my husband! Please! Please!”

The neighbors, of course, would help. The couple, one helping to carry him, the other going downstairs to get the car. On the way to the hospital, Wen Huo held Chen Cheng, trying to stop the bleeding. Her mind was a mess, and it felt like the Grim Reaper was calling to her. It seemed that she and Chen Cheng were at their end. The neighbors were afraid that Wen Huo would do something reckless, as she wasn’t in much better shape than the unconscious Chen Cheng, so they kept trying to comfort her. They told her that these kinds of accidents happened every day, but no one ever died from them. Wen Huo didn’t tell them that Chen Cheng had tried to kill himself.