NILWM - 48

“I tried to tell you several times, but I just couldn’t. If I had known things would turn out like this between us, I wouldn’t have impulsively decided to enlist... But it’s already decided, and I can’t postpone it, so what can I do?”

“So you only told me a week before?”

Yeseo asked in a cold voice. No matter how much she tried to calm down, her emotions were overwhelming her.

“You said you’d have more time after January, but that free time was actually...”

Ah. The belated realization hit her like a blow to the back of the head.

“It was so you could leave the company to your startup colleagues when they were discharged from the military and have time for yourself.”

She let out a hollow laugh. She was never even meant to be a part of that free time in the first place.

“Sunbae, this isn’t right. I said I’d understand if something was a priority over a relationship, but this is...”

“Yeseo. Min Yeseo.”

He stood between her and the table with a sharp look on his face. The way he ran a hand through his hair, as if suppressing his emotions, was as if he was dealing with a child who couldn’t understand what he was saying.

“It’s a misunderstanding. Don’t jump to conclusions, it’s exhausting.”

“What...?”

A sinister sense of déjà vu washed over her.

• It’s exhausting.

When was it? She felt like he had said something like this before.

• Okay. I’ll call them tomorrow and tell them I can’t do it. I’m sorry.

The memory suddenly flashed back. It was when he was against her taking a part-time job at Choi Inha’s father’s company and urged her to take the tutoring job he had introduced instead.

• Good. Do that.

His sharp voice had softened considerably.

• There’s no need to be emotional about something so meaningless. It’s exhausting.

Somehow, she had just let it slide at the time, but Han Juhyeok had definitely said that. The subtle nuance she had felt in that one added word was now coming at her with a much clearer resonance.

“I’m sorry for... exhausting you, Sunbae.”

“Yeseo.”

For a moment, he looked like a stranger. It was as if she had gone back in time to almost a year ago when she first met him at the cafe in front of the school. She felt as if she had returned to that day, which was filled with his coldness, one-sidedness, and an undeniable arrogance.

“I’ll be leaving. I should go home now.”

Yeseo walked past him, retrieved her clothes from the dryer, and headed to the bathroom. They weren’t completely dry, but it didn’t matter. She wanted to get out of his shirt, which was the only thing she was wearing over her naked body. As she locked the bathroom door and took off his shirt, which came down to her knees, her throat ached.

Calm down, Min Yeseo. Think as rationally as possible. Don’t lead with your emotions...

As soon as she changed her clothes and opened the door, she flinched and took a step back. Han Juhyeok was leaning against the door. Yeseo ignored him, walked past him, and picked up her bag from the living room sofa.

“Yeseo, wait a minute.”

“Let’s talk later.”

“I’ll take you home.”

“No. I’ll go on my own.”

“It’s 1 a.m. It’s dangerous.”

“I’ll take a taxi.”

Yeseo suppressed her emotions, which were on the verge of exploding, and headed down the stairs. She felt that if she stayed with him any longer, they would just end up yelling at each other.

He didn’t say a word as she walked through the first-floor workspace, which was filled with computers and complicated machines, and headed toward the front door. He just followed her like a shadow and stopped her from opening the door.

“Just a minute. Then let me ask you one thing.”

His large palm rested on the doorknob and turned Yeseo around. His hand wasn’t rough, but it wasn’t gentle either. Yeseo slowly pushed his desperate hand away and created some distance between them. She felt that if his warmth touched her, she would either grow weak or burst into tears, or both.

“What is it?”

Her voice was so firm it was unfamiliar even to her own ears. To hold back her tears, she had to tense her eyes.

Han Juhyeok let out a low sigh and leaned one arm diagonally against the door. The usual gentle expression was absent from his gaze as he looked down at her, standing askew.

“Do you want to break up?”

She was speechless for a moment. As Yeseo just parted her lips without answering, he asked again. His tone was so nonchalant.

“Is that what you want?”

“What did you say...?”

A shiver ran down her body as her heart dropped to a freezing point.

“I’m asking for your opinion on whether you want to stop here.”

He continued in a calm voice.

“It’s not an unusual thing for the girl to want to break up before her boyfriend goes to the military.”

“What about you? ...Do you want to break up?”

Yeseo looked him straight in the eye. She felt her face was probably pale if she looked in a mirror.

“It’s not just the girls. Many guys want to end things before they enlist, too.”

“I don’t.”

His expressionless voice continued.

“I just stated my future plans; I never said I wanted to end things with you.”

“...”

“What does it matter that you found out a little late about something that can’t be changed anyway? Nothing would have been different even if you had known beforehand.”

It was strange. He never raised his voice, not once, but the more he spoke, the faster her heart sank. The speed of the sinking was so obvious that her stomach churned as if it was about to reflux. Han Juhyeok asked again, as if going back to the start.

“So you. Do you want to stop?”

She was so flustered she couldn’t speak. Of course she didn’t want to. They had only just started. After a full year of quiet turmoil and pining, they had finally become a couple.

But now, he was asking her to end it? That seemed even more horrible than not being able to see him for a year and a half.

“If you want to end it, I’ll respect your wishes.”

But it seemed he didn’t feel the same way. She couldn’t believe it. Han Juhyeok was telling her that he would end their relationship as soon as she mentioned breaking up. He seemed to have no hesitation whatsoever. It felt as if he was just waiting for her to say it, and he would do it without a second thought, even if he was just saying the words.

“Whatever you want, I’ll do it your way, so just calm down. I’ll take you home, so get in the car.”

“You’re the one who...”

She tightened her hand into a fist. Even though the room was so hot it was almost suffocating, her fingertips were trembling.

“You do what you want, Sunbae.”

A crackling sound, like tinnitus, echoed in her ears. Her heart, which had been falling endlessly, seemed to have finally hit rock bottom.

“Were you... ever really serious about me, Sunbae?”

If his feelings were only that strong, he couldn’t have been serious. At least, if he was even half as serious as her feelings for him.

“I told you. I don’t want to end this.”

His voice was as sharp as his eyes. His bloodshot eyes looked colder than ever.

“Don’t say things like that. I was serious about you from the beginning to the end. I was so serious that it was killing me to reject you, and it still is.”

“You’re serious, but you’ll break up with me if I want to...?”

Yeseo cleared her throat. She was half-stunned and had no sense of reality. This was the first time she was keenly realizing that when you’re in too much shock, you can’t even cry.

“I... don’t think I can talk anymore.”

Yeseo reached under his arm and pulled on the doorknob.

“I’ll take you home, so get in the car.”

“No.”

Yeseo pushed the door open with force.

“You said you’d do whatever I want. What I want right now is to be as far away from you as possible and have some time to think alone.”

Han Juhyeok’s gaze wavered for a moment. But he quickly regained his composure and still stood blocking the doorway.

“Then I’ll call a taxi for you from the first-floor security office, so take that. Just do that for me. It’s a request.”

It was more of a command than a request. As if he took her silence as a “yes,” he readily opened the door for her.

“Think it over carefully and contact me.”

His low voice came again to the back of her head as she headed for the elevator.

“I’ll be waiting.”

She didn’t hear the front door close until she had entered the elevator and the doors were shut. As soon as she got down to the first-floor lobby, the deluxe taxi the night guard had called arrived.

Yeseo finally got into the car and sank into the back seat. She was too tired to ignore it and walk. Even though she was wearing the coat and muffler he had bought her, her body was trembling so much that the driver in the front seat turned up the heater, but the chill wouldn’t go away.

The tears she had held back finally burst out when she got home. Only after she had closed her door tightly and buried herself under her blankets could she cry to her heart’s content.

She couldn’t understand Han Juhyeok. Standing by the door, he had seemed like a stranger, not the person she had come to know. He was like a completely different person from the man who, just a few hours ago, had melted into her body as if they were one, moving gently at times and roughly at others.

She still couldn’t believe he had said he would end things if she wanted to. How could he say something like that? He clearly knew she wouldn’t want to.

The fact that he had only told her about his enlistment a few days before was shocking enough, but what he had said last was even more appalling.

• So you. Do you want to stop? If you want to end it, I’ll respect your wishes.

Han Juhyeok definitely knew her feelings for him. There was no way he didn’t. Yet, to say he would do as she wished if she wanted to end it... What was he thinking? What did he want? She couldn’t understand him at all and couldn’t be sure of anything.

Not even the sincerity of his feelings for her.