NILWM - 49

Every time she looked at the calendar, only the date four days from now stood out to her. Three days had passed since then, but she hadn’t heard from him.

“Mom. Have you... heard anything from Aunt’s family?”

“What? Why are you suddenly bringing them up?”

The night she had returned from Han Juhyeok’s place, she had brought up the reunion with her aunt’s family to her mother. Her mother, who had been brewing tea in the kitchen before going to bed, turned around sharply. The look on her face had changed as if she had heard something unspeakable.

“Did they contact you? It’s so easy to get in touch these days with SNS and all, even if you don’t have their phone number.”

“O-oh, no. I just asked because I was thinking about them.”

“Ugh, I’m so sick of the Min family. They immigrated to the U.S., so I’m sure they’re living well there. Don’t even mention them again; I don’t want to hear about it.”

Her mother, holding her teacup, strode into her room. She felt it was a good thing she hadn’t said anything. If she had told her mother that she had met her aunt, exchanged contact information, and planned to keep in touch, there would have been a huge commotion in the middle of the night.

Her mother, who would get on a rampage whenever things didn’t go her way, would have grabbed her and demanded her aunt’s phone number, insisting that she would call and confront her. She would have gone crazy. If that had happened, Yeseo would have exploded, unable to bear it. The situation with Han Juhyeok alone was enough to make her feel suffocated and her head feel like it was going to burst.

Yeseo pushed away the memory of the tense conversation with her mother from two days ago and came out of the preparation room.

“Soomin unnie, I’m going to grab dinner and go to the drugstore we talked about earlier. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Oh, the one in front of the station with the big open sale? Here’s ten thousand won. If that hand cream is buy one, get one free, get it for me. I’ll give you one. There are no customers, so eat your dinner and take your time.”

That evening, with her mother at a pharmacist meeting, it was just Soomin and her in the pharmacy. The cold snap had gotten a lot worse, so customers were scarce, and there weren’t many people on the street.

Yeseo bought what Soomin needed and a few personal items and left the store. She thought about eating some gimbap at a snack bar but ended up turning away. She felt like it would just sit in her stomach.

Her legs felt weak as she walked toward the pharmacy. Her mind was blank, and her chest was always aching as if someone had torn a handful out of it.

She had tried to concentrate on writing her novel in front of the computer, but she couldn’t last more than thirty minutes, and she was half out of it even at the pharmacy. Even Jo Soomin, who used to insist that zoning out and resting your body was good for your health, had to say something earlier.

• Yeseo. What’s wrong with you these days? You have no energy and you’re just spaced out all day. How did you lose so much weight in just a few days? I’ve only heard of people getting depressed in the spring and fall, never in the winter.

“Oh? Isn’t that Yeseo?”

Just then, a familiar voice stopped her. Park Sungjun, who seemed to be going into a cafe with his friends, stopped at the door and looked at her.

“Oh... Sungjun sunbae.”

Yeseo bowed her head slightly. He stopped in front of her with his signature playful smile.

“It’s so nice to run into you like this. But...”

Park Sungjun looked around her as if looking for someone.

“Where’s Juhyeok? It’s Friday; weren’t you two meeting?”

“What? ...Oh, no. We don’t have plans today. My house is nearby, so I just came out to buy something.”

“Oh, sorry. Did I act like I knew too much?”

As Yeseo avoided his gaze, looking flustered, he laughed awkwardly.

“I haven’t seen Juhyeok in a while, either. I heard he finished a project recently, so I was hoping to hear from him, but he’s been off the grid for a few days. He’s not even checking his texts. Well, I’ll see him at my grandparents’ house during the Lunar New Year holiday in February anyway...”

“In February? But Juhyeok sunbae is...”

Yeseo hesitated, unable to finish her sentence. Could it be that Sungjun sunbae doesn’t know either? No way. He’s his closest cousin. But Park Sungjun’s eyes were filled with confusion.

“What about next week? Is he going somewhere far away? Is he going on a trip?”

“...”

“Where is he going? Oh, come on, you’ll find out anyway, so just tell me. With him, it wouldn’t be strange if he just took off to some remote place no one has ever heard of.”

“He said he’s enlisting next Monday. I heard about it the day before yesterday.”

Yeseo, who had been keeping her lips sealed, finally opened her mouth. As Park Sungjun had said, everyone around him was going to find out anyway. At the calm news, he looked flabbergasted.

“What? Next week, Juhyeok is... enlisting? In the military?”

“You’re hearing this for the first time...”

Her words, which were meant to ask if he was hearing this for the first time, trailed off. It was so obvious that Park Sungjun didn’t know either.

“Wow, this guy is a psycho. Seriously! If I don’t know, it means the elders in our family don’t know either. How could he do this? Wait a minute. He told you about it the day before yesterday, too? Hah, this guy is seriously...!”

Park Sungjun, forgetting his friends who were waiting in the cafe, was in a fit of rage. The reaction, which was beyond shock and more like he had been hit hard in the back of the head, made Yeseo’s expression subtle.

She felt bad for Sungjun sunbae, but the fact that Han Juhyeok hadn’t even told his own family was a small comfort. He’s just that kind of person. At least in that regard, her heart was somewhat relieved.

• Is that what you want? I’m asking for your opinion on whether you want to stop here.

• It’s not an unusual thing for the girl to want to break up before her boyfriend goes to the military.

• If you want to end it, I’ll respect your wishes.

But the aftermath of that conversation was still floating around like a buoy. How was she supposed to interpret those words? He didn’t want to break up and still liked her, but if she wanted to, he would respect her wishes.

• So what you’re saying is... you don’t want to have me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me, either?

She remembered their previous fight. Han Juhyeok had been so involved and sensitive about her getting close to Choi Inha that it was almost a point of contention. That alone was enough for her to know that he wasn’t a man with a normal way of thinking. But now, she felt like she was in an even bigger labyrinth.

She couldn’t figure out what kind of person he was. Even now, when they had already crossed a line and there wasn’t a single part of her body he hadn’t seen, she still couldn’t tell.

Even in this very moment, after three days without any contact.

________________________________________

Juhyeok stared intently at the phone screen, then turned his gaze to the window. The winter night sky, which had descended in darkness, was not just solitary but desolate.

She can’t be planning to end it. There’s no way she would want to break up.

He felt like he was being consumed by a growing sense of anxiety and doubt. When Min Yeseo had left like that, he hadn’t even considered that possibility. Because there was no way Min Yeseo would want to break up. He believed that she would be angry for a day or so and then eventually contact him.

It was an undeniable fact. Min Yeseo was head over heels for him. She was a woman who couldn’t let go of him even after being rejected three times.

But he couldn’t understand why he felt so anxious. When the expected day passed, and then the second, and the third day came, the anxiety had turned into a feeling of displeasure.

Min Yeseo hadn’t contacted him for three days. He could picture her going about her day as usual. Even though it was a break, she would get up early to open her mother’s pharmacy, prepare her materials diligently to go to her tutoring job on time, and would be listening to her English lectures, which she had switched to online this month, according to a regular routine.

Min Yeseo was always like that. She was a good student who, no matter how upset she was, would pretend to be fine and never show her true feelings. It was her specialty to force a smile and swallow her tears inside when she had to pretend to be happy.

• Yes, I like you, Sunbae.

• It was a lie when I said I don’t like you anymore, Sunbae. I still like you.

• What I want has been the same from the beginning to the end. I want to be your girlfriend, Sunbae.

But with him, it was different. Perhaps Han Juhyeok was the only person with whom Min Yeseo had opened up her heart and shown her true self.

Especially that night.

• Sunbae. What should I do... I’m so upset... I’m having a hard time...

The moment he heard the message, he dropped everything he was doing and grabbed his car keys. The blood rushed to his head, and he couldn’t think of anything else. He shouldn’t have done that. He should have exercised self-control, but he couldn’t.

The bell rang again. This time, maybe. The moment he checked the screen, his anticipation turned into disappointment. The ringtone changed to a text message notification. As he ignored countless messages from his family elders and for business, his fingers stopped at a text from Park Sungjun.

[Are you going to ignore my calls to the very end, you asshole? I just ran into Yeseo, and she said you’re going to the military next week? How could you do that, you punk who has no concept of decency!]

His hand instinctively went to the call button. Park Sungjun, before the call even rang twice, yelled, “Hey!” Juhyeok, ignoring it, asked calmly.

“Where and how did you meet Yeseo? Are you with her now?”

• Hey, that’s not the point right now...

“Where is she, Yeseo.”

• She left a while ago! I ran into her in front of the station; she said she was out to buy something. But is it really true? I know you’re that kind of guy, so I’ll give you a hundred passes, but Yeseo said she only heard about it a few days ago, too. How could you do that? Didn’t you two start dating in December? You should have told your girlfriend right after you decided to date!

Juhyeok listened to Sungjun’s accusations in silence, then, when he stopped talking, he blurted out.

“I even thought about getting a broken bone to postpone my enlistment... but I decided to go after all. I thought it would be better to get it over with since I have to go anyway.”

He thought it would be better for them to be apart while Yeseo was still trapped on campus. He had tried to tell her several times, but the words kept getting stuck in his throat.

• What? You mean you were going to hurt yourself to postpone it?

You crazy bastard. Curses continued from the other end of the phone. Even if the only way to postpone enlistment was to break or injure something, that was too much.

“What time was it when you met Yeseo?”

Juhyeok, pressing his throbbing forehead, continued to speak shamelessly.

“Never mind. I’m hanging up.”

• Wow, fuck. This is unbelievable! You just go on living your life, giving big surprises and big fuck-yous to the people around you, you bastard! You son of a...

He didn’t listen any further and ended the call. He didn’t want to be on the phone in case Min Yeseo tried to call him.

As he grabbed his car keys and was about to leave, he turned back and picked up the coat and muffler lying on the chair. He didn’t care about his own cold. These were for someone who wasn’t good at dressing warmly.

He couldn’t wait for her to contact him anymore. The anxiety had turned into displeasure, and now it had turned into anger.

Min Yeseo, how... how could you do this to me?

He let out a hollow laugh all the way to the parking lot. He couldn’t believe she had made him wait for three days like this. She had said she liked him so much, that she would give him her all and endure anything. Was that all it was?

He was just as crazy about her. But she had to be crazier. Always, always, it had to be Min Yeseo, not him, who was more desperate and anxious. Even if it was a selfish desire, he couldn’t help it.

That was the only way this relationship could be maintained. He hoped that Min Yeseo would believe that. She had to have no doubt about their emotional hierarchy, where she was always the “subordinate” and Han Juhyeok was the “dominant,” yet she also had to not be discouraged.

So she could feel, “At least I’m the most important person to Sunbae, right after himself. So I should be grateful for that, and I should understand and accept everything”—he wanted her to be able to feel that way.