NILWM - 53

“If that’s what you think, Sunbae, I don’t know what else to say. If you’re saying it’s not a problem to just be together for one night, then it seems our... our values in a relationship are too different and we just don’t fit together.”

“...”

“And while we’re on the subject, I’ll be honest about the contact issue, too. No matter how busy you are... I’ve always thought you were too detached. That’s what I felt... I don’t know how else to put it.”

Only silence hung over the table. The silence was longer and heavier than before, and she felt like she was suffocating. She felt as if they were trapped in their own space, completely detached from the lively jazz music and the cheerful laughter of the cafe customers hovering in the distance.

“So...”

Han Juhyeok finally broke the silence. His voice was both languid and a little sharp. Yeseo’s heart sank.

“What do you want to do?”

He rubbed and pressed on one of his eyelids, and his body language showed no sign of being upset. But his voice was filled with an undisguised sense of fatigue.

• Do you want to break up?

She remembered the words he had thrown at her when she had expressed her disappointment about his sudden enlistment notice.

• I’m asking you if you want to stop here. I don’t want to break up. But if you want to, I’ll follow your wishes.

Those words were more shocking than the enlistment itself. Although he had eventually come to her to make up a few days before his enlistment, the hurt she had felt back then still lingered. With a sense of déjà vu that the same situation was repeating itself, she tried to ask him calmly.

“What about you, Sunbae? What do you want to do?”

Do you want to break up? Are you going to say the same thing you said last time?

Perhaps he heard her unspoken question, as a strange light flickered in Han Juhyeok’s eyes. But he didn’t answer. The hands they were holding under the table were slick with sweat.

What does he really want? What if his feelings for her have really faded and he’s just tired of her? What if he wants her to be the one to say she wants to break up first...?

“I’m always the same.”

He continued in an even tone.

“Whether our values in a relationship are the same or different, whether we fit or not, I’ve never thought about the end. Not once. It’s always been you who brings up the topic of a breakup.”

“Sunbae, that’s...”

“So I’m going to add a condition on my end now.”

“...”

“Let’s agree that whenever one of us wants to end it, we’ll let go without a fight.”

Under the table, their clasped hands let go. For a moment, she forgot to breathe and just stared blankly at Han Juhyeok across from her.

“We’re in a relationship, and a relationship isn’t a chain where one person has to be subordinate to the other. We both have our own lives, and I made this clear from the beginning, but a relationship can’t always be a top priority. Realistically, that’s how it is. At least for me.”

Yeseo unconsciously clasped her hands together again, which had been separated for a moment. Her fingertips felt cold and numb as if she was suffering from indigestion.

“So I only want one thing. It’s simple. If you can refrain from tiring emotional exchanges, meddling, and trying to change me or wanting me to accommodate you—I think we can continue to get along well. I can’t guarantee anything beyond that.”

She was in a daze, feeling a crack forming in her chest. Her gaze was fixed blankly on the pattern of the wallpaper behind his shoulder.

“Don’t... cross the line?”

When she finally opened her mouth, her mouth and vocal cords were bone dry.

“I can’t help it if it sounds hurtful. I’m just setting this boundary now to prevent future conflicts, and it doesn’t have any other meaning.”

Yeseo closed her mouth again. Her mind was in a state of utter confusion.

Where did things go wrong? Why did we suddenly go this far?

She tried to retrace her steps from the beginning to figure out what she had said wrong, but she couldn’t. Just as her sense of time was beginning to blur, he finally broke the silence.

“Let’s eat dinner first. Since we’re already out, just like you said.”

“No...”

Yeseo lifted her gaze, which had been cast down at her teacup. Her mind was blank, and her tongue seemed to move on its own.

“I don’t... think I can do that today. I’m sorry, Sunbae.”

She didn’t think she could sit across from him, eat, and talk as if nothing had happened. At least not now. She didn’t have the slightest intention of breaking up. No, she couldn’t break up with him. She didn’t think she could do that even if it meant her death.

“I’ll get going, Sunbae.”

“Alright, do that.”

He got up from his seat without a fuss and picked up his jacket from the back of the chair.

“Call me when you’ve sorted out your feelings.”

There was not a hint of hesitation or fluster. There was also no sign of him trying to hold her back or talk to her more.

Han Juhyeok returned his tray to the counter, turned around, and headed straight for the exit. And he walked away toward the elevator that led to the officetel floor. He didn’t look back at her even once.

Yeseo stared at the building’s main entrance, where he had disappeared, for a long time before slowly turning around. The crack she had felt in her chest a moment ago began to widen. The feeling of the ground crumbling beneath her feet made her stop walking several times.

She only realized that tears were streaming down her face when she met the startled gaze of a passerby across the street.

________________________________________

A few days passed. The weekend had come and gone, and her daily life continued as expected without any deviation. The only variable was that she had spent the entire weekend in her room, groaning from a sudden fever.

Han Juhyeok was completely out of contact all weekend. He didn’t even say he was going back to the base or that he had returned. She had imagined the worst-case scenarios countless times.

What if I just keep quiet and don’t say anything? What would happen if I don’t contact him?

So she endured the week with all her might. She was even grateful that she was so busy with her final exam preparations, tutoring, pharmacy work, and organizing her novel’s world-building that she didn’t have a moment to spare.

She pushed herself and kept herself busy for five days straight so she wouldn’t have any free time. By doing so, she was able to get through the moments when her chest felt so heavy that tears were about to burst out.

But when Friday came again, and then Saturday, and Sunday afternoon, she still hadn’t heard from him. She felt like her blood was drying up.

At first, only anger washed over her. How could he do this? After setting such a clear boundary and leaving without a single glance back, he just stopped all contact, too?

The anger soon turned into extreme worry and doubt. Did Sunbae’s feelings for me really fade? Did he say he didn’t want to break up, but is he okay with it?

Finally, she sent a text message on Sunday morning. The bottomless anxiety was much stronger than her pride.

[Sunbae. I’m sorry. I understand what you were saying. I’ll be more careful from now on.]

The words she had written and deleted countless times over the week were finally condensed into two short lines and sent to him. Someone might have called her a spineless idiot.

But she had no other choice. The fear of losing him was so much greater than the self-reproach of being the one who loved him more and had more to lose. It was an anxiety that was close to terror.

She waited for several hours, but there was no reply. The fact that he had seen it but hadn’t replied only fueled her anxiety. Yeseo hastily put on her clothes and headed for the subway station. By the time she arrived near his officetel, he had about two hours left before he was scheduled to return to his base.

She tried calling him from the main entrance, but it just kept ringing without connecting. She went inside and pressed the intercom button on the wall to his unit, but there was no answer either. Yeseo hesitated for a moment, then went up to the security guard at the desk and asked him to use the intercom for her.

“You mean the young boss on the 22nd floor, right? The handsome one who looks like an actor. But he’s not home. He just left to go back to the base.”

“What? What time did he leave?”

“Let’s see, about 40 minutes? 50 minutes? It’s been a while.”

“Oh... I see.”

“You should’ve come a little earlier. He probably hasn’t gone far, so try giving him a call.”

The old man added kindly, then turned back to his work computer.

“Okay, thank you...!”

Yeseo bowed her head and went outside the building. She tried calling him again, but it still just rang without an answer. In her desperation, she sent him another text message.

[Sunbae. I’m in front of your officetel, and the security guard told me you left about 30 minutes ago. Are you still in Seoul?]

She waited for a long time, but there was no reply. This time, the “read” notification didn’t even appear.

[If it’s hard for you to come back, can I go to the base to escort you on a weekday? My afternoon classes end on Tuesday.]

After work on weekdays, they were usually allowed to be out of the base until 9 p.m., so they would be able to meet for at least two or three hours. But no matter how long she waited, the message remained unread. Tears welled up in her eyes again.

Sunbae, are you really angry? Because I said that... because I was being whiny and demanding, and you got tired of me?

She tried to write another text message, but her vision was hazy.

What if Sunbae just leaves me like this? I only have him... I like him so much. If it’s not him, no one else will ever look at me.

Her legs trembled in the middle of the street from the extreme anxiety and despair. When she finally came to her senses, she was sitting on a corner bench in the subway station. It felt as if the ground beneath her feet was collapsing. Late regret choked her. She felt like this was all her fault.

I shouldn’t have said those things. Why did I complain like that...? I should have been grateful and content with just being with him for one night. I didn’t know the price of being so greedy for love would be so high.

The situation in front of her was now heading toward the conclusion she had most feared in her subconscious.