TIL - 43

Wen Huo came out to get some water. Su He was sitting on the carpet in the sunken sofa area, using the leather sofa as a table to write. He heard the movement, turned to look at Wen Huo, and said, “There’s fresh pear juice in the kitchen.”

Wen Huo just wanted some water.

Su He didn’t stop writing just because Wen Huo walked over and sat down. Beautiful English script filled his spiral-bound notebook. Wen Huo sat on the sofa, looking at the empty television area. The TV was behind the wall and had to be turned on to rotate into view. That spot was currently occupied by a painting Ruan Lihong had bought for a high price, Goya’s The Third of May 1808.

She had spent two years making countless trips to Madrid for this painting, practically living at the Prado Museum, and finally got what she wanted. Wen Huo used to not understand why Ruan Lihong wanted a patriotic painting about the resistance against Napoleon. Neither the composition nor the colors were her style. It was not until she accidentally saw Ruan Lihong’s memo, which contained a document named “Our Huohuo.” It recorded everything Wen Huo had ever mentioned: food, drinks, things she used, and things she liked to play with. She had noted every single thing.

But she had misunderstood one thing. When Wen Huo had mentioned the painting at the time, it wasn’t from an artistic perspective that she was interested in it. It was because the terrifying atmosphere the painting created and conveyed perfectly matched her mood at the time. She was simply looking for a conclusion, or rather, a representation, of her resistance against fate and the final, defeated mess, as well as the stubbornness and courage to not give in even in failure. Why did she feel that way at the time? Her insomnia also started around that period.

Su He finished writing, tore the page out, and used the lighter on the table to light it. The flame, with sparks dancing in his hand, turned the paper into ashes that fell into the ashtray.

Wen Huo asked him, “Did you write that for Su Di?”

Su He nodded. “I don’t burn what I write for others.” You only burn things you write for people who have passed away.

“Do you miss him?”

Su He’s smile was a little bitter. “Yes, he’s my brother.”

Wen Huo also missed him. “He was the one who taught me to be brave in unfamiliar environments. He was the person I looked up to ever since I was a child.”

At this, Su He said, “I used to be so upset. I was so much better-looking than him, but you always followed him around, calling him ‘brother’ all the time.”

“He could conquer a person without using his looks. That’s charisma. But it was useless; it couldn’t save him.” Wen Huo said faintly.

Su He suddenly thought of a phrase. “Isn’t there a saying that talented people are envied by the heavens?”

Wen Huo nodded. “Yeah.”

Su He and Su Di were brothers from the same mother but different fathers. Su He was born with an artistic flair and a stunning appearance. In short, he could make a living on his looks. Su Di was the opposite. He was not very tall and his looks were average, but he was brilliant. His extraordinary intelligence, that overflowing talent he possessed every day, meant he was just as popular as Su He from a young age.

When Wen Huo first arrived in Canada, she had to take ESL classes, the language classes for non-native English speakers. Although she was a diligent student, she had no talent for languages, so she was always in the lower-middle tier. It was Su Di who tutored her, taught her standard American English pronunciation, helped her get the credits, and successfully get into a public high school in Toronto. From then on, Su Di was deified in her heart. He seemed to know everything. She suddenly thought of the old Chinese operas about courtesans and top scholars. In the plays, it seemed that the more beautiful and unconventional the woman, the more she was attracted to the literary and artistic men. She didn’t know if the playwrights had a bit of wishful thinking, but she also believed that particularly talented people were naturally attractive.

Later, Su He went on to participate in a talent show and then went to acting school. Su Di, on the other hand, won one academic award after another, for literature, mathematics, chemistry, and medicine, and so on. Wen Huo saw the phrase “learning has no end” in him and couldn’t help but follow in his footsteps, absorbing more knowledge.

This kind of life continued for several years. Wen Huo studied every day and felt very fulfilled, but she had no direction and no particular passion. This was because her role model, Su Di, didn’t either. Su Di was great at everything, but he didn’t seem to have anything he truly wanted to do.

Then, one afternoon, he came back frantic and flustered, unlike his usual focused and calm self. He locked himself in his room and didn’t even eat. When he came out again, physics had become his life’s goal. He cast aside all the achievements he had made as a young man and dove into a field he had never explored before, beginning a near-frenzied period of research and study.

From then on, the only subject he taught Wen Huo was physics. He showed her a complex, vast, and unknown world of physics. Wen Huo, under his guidance, also embarked on this path. At first, she thought she didn’t like physics and just liked following behind Su Di. Gradually, she discovered that in physics, she found a spiritual fulfillment that even Su Di couldn’t completely provide. She loved physics simply because physics itself was worthwhile, and Su Di was just the person who led her to its door.

With a shared life direction, their relationship became even more harmonious. One of them studied astronomy and the other studied high-energy particles, but they could always chat together, giving each other inspiration and help... A life filled with positive meaning made them happy. If not for what happened, they might have continued to cherish and be happy with each other like this forever, but it had to happen.

Su Di fell in love with someone, but that person was too terrible. The moment he knew Su Di’s feelings, he immediately got a girlfriend. Although Su Di and Su He were worlds apart, they both had the same attitude toward love: extreme and eternal. So, Su Di, the prodigy, chose to die because he couldn’t have the love he wanted.

At that time, Wen Huo didn’t understand. Wasn’t it irresponsible to die just because you weren’t loved? Was a person’s life only about love and death? When she found it harder and harder to fall asleep because of the absence of her beacon and role model, she suddenly felt like she understood. It was like some people liked candied haws, and others hated them. What kind of person you become and what kind of life you live are just a matter of choice. Su Di’s brilliance was innate, a window that fate had opened for him, but one of his doors must have been closed. It seemed to be a law of the universe, designed by the heavens for the sake of balance. Or maybe it was just that things rarely go as planned, and fate actually had nothing to do with it. Life is simply not a smooth sailing journey, and the experience is bound to be a mix of all five flavors: sweet, sour, bitter, spicy, and salty.

Su Di’s death caused Wen Huo’s sleeping disorder. It was during that time that Wen Huo mentioned Goya’s painting. Her state during that period was “bad,” which was a dressed-up way of putting it. Every day, she was like a zombie from a zombie movie, with a rotting smell and a cold feeling that you could sense from ten feet away. Not being able to sleep was too painful, especially when she first fell into this predicament. Her body’s inability to adapt made her reactions particularly intense, and she seemed like a different person both mentally and physically.

She fled back to China, but there was no improvement; in fact, she got worse. Ruan Lihong didn’t know that Wen Huo and Su Di had a relationship that was more than just friends and also confidants, nor did she know how much influence he had on her life’s direction. So when she heard about her insomnia, she assumed it was hereditary. Wen Huo’s grandmother had a sleeping disorder, which became especially apparent in her later years, and she ultimately died of fulminant myocarditis.

Ruan Lihong had gotten involved with Falun Gong at the time because she was afraid of inheriting the insomnia, but she didn’t get it, and her daughter did. She tried many ways to help her. Either they didn’t work, or Wen Huo refused to cooperate, and those years were very difficult.

Su He just guessed, “Is your insomnia because of Su Di’s death?”

Wen Huo smiled faintly. “Is it that obvious?”

Su He shook his head. “No, it’s not obvious. It’s just that I know all the things that went on between the three of us, so I can only guess.”

Wen Huo said, “It’s not entirely. I feel like we’re all ordinary people, but ordinary people also have their beliefs. They’re like a weakness that we always let other things give way to. When that thing is destroyed one day, it’s like your backbone is broken.”

Su He understood. “Su Di was your belief.”

“The time I spent following in Su Di’s footsteps was my belief. With him to tell me what to do, I had a direction.” Wen Huo had always avoided talking about this. It wasn’t that she couldn’t guess the cause of her illness; it was that she pretended not to know. Pretending was something she was still good at.

Su He knew that was the case. “Then does that mean you won’t get better unless he comes back to life?”

Wen Huo had actually found another way to treat her insomnia, but after so much had happened, she didn’t want to get better anymore.

Seeing that she didn’t answer, Su He didn’t ask again. “I used to hate the person who caused his death so much, but when I fell in love with Hong Jie without considering the consequences or the future, I realized that person might not have been wrong. He just didn’t like Su Di, and Su Di was too extreme.”

Wen Huo finished her glass of water. She had thought about so many things from the past tonight, and she wanted her mind to rest. She was ready to go back to her room.

Su He called out to her, “Do you want to know who the person who indirectly caused Su Di’s death is?”

Wen Huo didn’t want to know. “It’s been a long time. Knowing would make me overthink. I don’t have the energy to think anymore.”

Su He didn’t say anything and watched Wen Huo return to her room. It was probably for the best. He also didn’t know how to tell Wen Huo that the person who made Su Di prove his fiery love through death was the very same Chen Cheng that she was currently entangled with. Su Di liked physics because Chen Cheng liked physics, so it was Chen Cheng who had opened the door to physics for Wen Huo in the first place. That was also why Wen Huo could only sleep when Chen Cheng was around, because he was the source.

Chen Cheng was the direction of Wen Huo’s life. When Wen Huo’s world was only black, Su Di reached out his hand to her, but the one who lit the lamp for her was Chen Cheng.