NILWM - 50

Cheer up. At least I was the first to know.

Yeseo stared at her reflection in the preparation room mirror. Her face was pale and lifeless.

Sunbae didn’t even tell his cousin, who’s like a brother to him, or the elders in his family about his enlistment. At least he told me first. So you have to be okay with it and understand him.

Her hand reached out to the table on its own, fumbling for her phone.

Sunbae is that kind of person anyway. Cold, rational, and detached... He even got psychiatric counseling until recently for the trauma of losing both his parents at once when he was young. He said he stopped counseling and taking medicine after he met me, but...

Their chat window had stopped three days ago. She had lost count of how many texts she had written and deleted since then.

[What kind of person are you, Sunbae?] [I don’t know what kind of person you are... if you really like me.] [You’re always like this, Sunbae. You were like this before, too. You said you liked me but didn’t want to date me. But you also said you didn’t want me to get close to or date other men. This time, it’s the same. You don’t want to break up with me, but you’ll do it if I want to.] [What do you even want, Sunbae?]

A sigh escaped her as the unsent texts flashed through her mind. She decided to gather her thoughts and just ask if he was available for a call and was about to press the phone icon. Just then, a pop-up window appeared on the screen.

[Yeseo.]

Her startled finger almost dropped the phone.

[If you’re at home or the pharmacy, can you come out for a bit? I’m at the playground behind your apartment now.]

Yeseo’s eyes widened as she stared at the screen. She couldn’t contain her joy.

Wait a minute. Could it be...

Just as she was about to calm her overwhelmed heart and send a reply, her face involuntarily hardened.

What if he came to break up with me? No way.

Her heart started pounding like crazy. The rhythm was distinctly different from the excited pounding she had just felt. Just then, her phone vibrated. It was Han Juhyeok. It seemed he had called after she read his message but didn’t reply. Yeseo cleared her throat several times and answered the call.

“Yes, Sunbae.”

• I’m sorry. I came without telling you. Are you very busy?

“No, I’m not busy.”

Did you come to break up with me? The words rose past her throat and to her lips, but she couldn’t bring herself to say them.

“I’ll be right out. Just a moment.”

It was almost closing time anyway. When she said her boyfriend was waiting outside, Soomin pushed her, telling her she could close up on her own. Yeseo threw on her padded jacket and ran out toward the playground. Her chest was still heavy with anxiety.

________________________________________

Han Juhyeok’s car was parked in front of the playground’s empty lot. He was leaning against the car door, and he turned to look at her as she approached from a distance. Then he clicked his tongue.

“I knew it. It’s so cold, and you’re not wearing a muffler.”

His large hand reached out without hesitation and wrapped a cashmere muffler tightly around her neck. His warm breath touched her, and his unique scent enveloped her whole body. Her face, which had been rigid with anxiety, involuntarily flushed. Then, her lips hardened again from the familiar anxiety that was creeping in again.

He was always considerate, but he seemed even more affectionate today. The face of her mother she used to see popped into her mind. When her mom would suddenly take her to a mall and buy her clothes and delicious food, she was so kind, like a completely different person.

• Yeseo. About Jeongwoo, I think he should go study abroad after all.

• Mom is having a hard time on her own, so you’ll have to take care of your tuition and allowance until you graduate... Can you do that?

A temporary moment of warmth and affection was always followed by another motive. Yeseo unconsciously grabbed the ends of the muffler. As if doing so would allow her to hold on to the owner of the muffler.

Did he really come to break up with me?

“What’s wrong with your face? Are you still angry?”

At her gloomy face, Han Juhyeok’s eyes became cold again.

“Let’s talk in the car; it’s cold.”

He didn’t move a muscle and held the car door open until she got in. Yeseo got in the passenger seat. After the sound of the door closing, his unique scent began to melt into the cozy warmth of the heater. Now the two of them were in their own enclosed space.

She hesitated but took the tumbler he offered her. It contained lemon tea that tasted familiar, as if he had bought it from a cafe across the street. Her body instantly felt warm, as if it was melting.

How much time had passed? Yeseo stared at the motionless swings on the playground outside the window for a while, then turned to look at him. He was also sitting upright in the driver’s seat, staring straight ahead.

“Sunbae, I-”

“Yeseo. I...”

Their words came out at the same time. He turned to look at Yeseo. His face, with his lips pressed into a firm line as if telling her to speak first, was just as stiff as hers. Maybe he’s thinking the same thing. When that thought crossed her mind, her true feelings slipped out on their own.

“I don’t want to break up with you, Sunbae. I think you already know how I feel.”

Yeseo put the tumbler down in the holder and continued.

“But I still don’t understand. Why you didn’t tell me until now.”

“I’m sorry. I tried to tell you several times, but I couldn’t. I thought about why I didn’t tell you sooner and kept postponing it... I think it was because I didn’t think it was a big deal after all. That’s what I think.”

“It wasn’t a big deal?”

Her heart, which had almost calmed down for a moment, became agitated again. Yeseo’s voice involuntarily turned cold again.

“Even if you get a leave, we’d have to be apart for a year and a half. Was that not a big deal to you, Sunbae?”

“I can see you on weekends. I can even get leave on weekdays. It might be difficult to see you on weekdays depending on where my base is.”

“What...?”

“It’s KATUSA. The military.”

The confusion in Yeseo’s eyes was lifted. There was a senior in her department who was serving in KATUSA, and Lee Donghwan, her classmate, also wanted to enlist in KATUSA. As she had overheard their conversations, she had naturally learned about the KATUSA leave and weekend passes system, which was much more lenient than the regular military.

“That’s why I guess I didn’t think it was a big deal. I’ll definitely be able to be with you all weekend. I even thought I might be able to see you more often than when I was tied to the project. But I should have told you sooner... I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Flames flared in Yeseo’s eyes again. Her clenched fist seemed ready to grab him by the collar and shake him.

“You left before I could finish telling you.”

That was a lie. He had had plenty of time to tell her before she left.

“That’s why I came here to tell you.”

Han Juhyeok blocked her protest again.

“I’m sorry.”

Hic. Tears burst out. Her vision was blurred by the rising anger, and she couldn’t see anything. She fumbled for the car door to open it and get out, but it wouldn’t open. Han Juhyeok pulled her into his arms, and his unique scent and warmth instantly enveloped her whole body.

“I’m so sorry.”

The repeated apologies echoed on the top of her head. She wanted to push him away. She couldn’t understand why he kept toying with her emotions like this. Was he doing this on purpose? She tried to push him away again, but he didn’t budge.

“Don’t cry.”

“Hic...”

“It’s still better than seeing each other only a few times a year. At least we can definitely see each other on weekends, and if there’s a holiday, we can be together for even longer. If I get stationed nearby, it won’t be impossible to see you on weekdays, either.”

His large hand gently patted her back. Yeseo buried her face in his chest and cried for a long time. She hated him so much, but she couldn’t hate him. The joy of being able to see him at least once a week was so much greater than the anger of him not telling her until the very end.

“Are you feeling a little better now?”

As her crying subsided and she sniffled, he pulled his body away and looked at her face. His hand gently wiped and stroked her messy face. He didn’t seem to care that her muffler and the front of his coat were soaked with snot and tears.

“No. I’m not okay.”

Her red, wet eyes glared at him fiercely. Even so, the grip she had on his elbow was still tight.

“I wish you would promise me you won’t do that again. Not telling me until the very, very end.”

“I promise.”

“...”

“It’s a bad habit, but I just can’t seem to fix it.”

He opened the console box and pulled out a tissue to wipe Yeseo’s face.

“Anyway, I’ve been getting calls from my family non-stop, so I’m bracing myself. It looks like that guy Sungjun blabbed everything to them.”

“Of course he did. They must have been so surprised and flustered. You should go home and tell them right now...”

“Is that okay? Leaving you here like this?”

His hand, which was fixing her messy hair, was gentle.

“So we’re not breaking up, right?”

“...”

“Yeseo.”

“I told you I don’t want to. I’m sure you don’t either, which is why you came here... But I’m still not completely okay with it.”

Yeseo pushed his hand away and slowly tidied her hair with her own hands.

“I don’t know how serious you are about me. You say you like me and you don’t want to break up... but I don’t think it’s as much as I like you...”

Her lips trembled faintly. Her gaze, which was cast downward, was on the back of his hand, which had been holding hers. That’s why she didn’t see the joy in his eyes.

“Don’t think like that.”

Juhyeok pulled Yeseo into his arms again.

“As I said, a relationship can’t always be the number one priority, and you can’t always come first. Realistically, that can’t be helped. But my feelings are sincere.”

“...”

“Trust me.”

He released the hug and kissed Yeseo’s eyelids. His lips slid down her nose and landed on hers.

The skin on the tip of his tongue felt soft and sweet. Does a person’s lips taste sweeter after they’ve been crying? Before she could ponder the question, his tongue instinctively parted her lips. Yeseo squirmed and twisted her hips, but she didn’t push him away.

As he thickly licked the roof of her mouth and fiercely sucked on her tongue, he thought of a wetter, hotter membrane. The thought of a sticker, tighter inner flesh made his lower body feel like it was going to burst.