NILWM - 43

“Yeah. Yeseo. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. Just a little stiff...”

Hearing his usual gentle low voice made her feel a little relieved. He still seemed busy; familiar noises filled the silent space like background static.

“Sunbae. Thank you so much for the Christmas present. I was actually thinking of getting you something, too... but I couldn’t prepare it since we met so suddenly last night.”

“Don’t worry. As I said before, it’s pretty much the same as me receiving the best present.”

“But... it’s okay to cancel the extra night at the hotel. I’m just going to eat the room service you ordered and go home before evening...”

“Didn’t you already miss the checkout time? It’s almost 1 o’clock.”

“Oh, really? What should I do-”

“Don’t worry about it and stay a little longer. If you just need to get home before evening, rest for a few more hours.”

Could he come back today? If so, she was resolved to find some other excuse to stay one more night. But to her disappointment, Han Juhyeok added calmly,

“Let’s see each other on January 3rd. Don’t be upset if I don’t contact you much until then.”

“Oh... Okay, Sunbae.”

Just as she was trying to swallow her disappointment, the sound of a door opening and outside noise could be heard through the phone. He seemed to have stepped out onto a terrace or something similar.

“Come to think of it, you should go to the hospital and get a prescription for the morning-after pill, right?”

His voice was calm but laced with concern.

“Things happened so suddenly yesterday that I didn’t even think about condoms. I have them, but I wasn’t planning on doing that with you yesterday. I’ll be sure to always have some with me from now on. I’m sorry.”

“What? Oh... it’s okay, I’ve been taking birth control pills for my irregular periods for a while now.”

A door opened wide, and someone’s voice calling him came through. Yeseo, suppressing her disappointment, quickly said goodbye, saying he sounded very busy and they should talk again later.

It’s okay. He said he’ll have a lot of free time after January 3rd. He said this is the last project that will have him racing against the clock, and he won’t have to pull all-nighters anymore until he graduates. He said he’ll have more time once his startup colleagues return from their military service...

The table, where the hotel staff had set up the room service meal, was laid out with a neat Korean meal. The mountain vegetable bibimbap, pan-fried tofu, and sea urchin seaweed soup, with their colorful vegetables neatly arranged, looked delicious. She wondered if she really deserved such luxury after even lying to her mother to stay out all night.

After eating, she felt sleepy again as if by magic. Yeseo sat by the window, dozing off, and eventually lay back down in bed and fell asleep.

Just for today... I’ll just be lazy for today, and starting tomorrow, I have to go back to my diligent routine.

She was busy making a firm resolution even as her consciousness faded.

________________________________________

There is nothing more dangerous than falling in love. Especially deeply. The deeper the feeling, the more dangerous and foolish it was. Losing control and being buried in emotion was forbidden.

• “You have to give a moderate amount of your heart to avoid tragedy. Especially to people. If you fall too deeply, unhappiness is bound to follow. Like your parents. And like that woman.”

Butler Seo had whispered this to him when he was a child, putting him to bed. It was easy to pretend to be sound asleep. During the days when he pretended to sleep like a corpse in his room, not moving an inch as he listened to his parents’ constant fighting and his mother’s screams, he had become accustomed to it.

Seo Hyeon-yeong was the only person who had grasped the relationship of those ‘three people.’ Thinking about it, it was no surprise. She was in charge of not only the household affairs but also of keeping a detailed track of the movements of the entire staff and their families and dealing with them in advance.

• “Poor thing. That’s why the world is fair. Not a single person in this house, where there is nothing to envy, was happy. Including you...”

She turned off the subtle bedside lamp and stood up. Just before leaving the room, she muttered to herself.

• “You won’t be able to live a normal life either. Not unless you lose your memory.”

The door creaked, swallowing her clicking tongue.

• “How could a person grow up properly after seeing something like that with their own eyes?”

A few days later, Seo Hyeon-yeong also died. During her vacation, in her hometown, which she was visiting for the first time in a long time, she was stabbed by a mentally disturbed person who was indiscriminately brandishing a weapon at passersby and died while being transported to the hospital. She had a terrible stroke of bad luck.

Now, only he and his aunt, Ryu Hye-su, knew the secret surrounding those three people. And that fact brought Juhyeok no comfort. Only the words that Butler Seo had left him with before covering him with a blanket and turning off the light were etched deep in his heart.

But what do I do, since I’ve already fallen?

Once he had fallen, there was no way out. He didn’t even want to find an exit. He didn’t want to undo the connection with the person he had tried so hard to push away and ignore. He had no regrets about finally giving in to Yeseo—or more accurately, to his feelings for Yeseo.

He had tried with all his might not to have her, but in the end, he couldn’t give her to another guy.

He leaned against the terrace railing, standing crookedly, and tilted his head back. Blood rushed to the back of his head, and even with his eyes closed, he felt dizzy. He felt like he would fall if he relaxed just a little more.

So there was only one answer. To have her, but to keep her at a distance.

He couldn’t always take her out, look at her, touch her, and keep her by his side. It was like holding a precious jewel that you had to hide away, keeping it in a drawer and only taking it out to carefully polish and admire it when you absolutely couldn’t stand it anymore.

...But I can’t hide her away in a drawer.

The phone in his pocket rang. Juhyeok stopped his dangerous balancing act on the railing and straightened his upper body.

If it was Min Yeseo, he wasn’t going to answer right away. There was a mix of base desires in him—he wanted her to fret and yearn for him more, and he wanted to be the one in control, with her being the one swayed by his whims.

But the caller wasn’t Yeseo. He tried to shake off his undeniable disappointment and answered the call calmly.

“Yes, Dr. Han.”

• “The formal tone tells me it’s not a good time to talk. I’ll just check your appointment and hang up. When are you coming?”

“The end of the year is impossible. Let’s meet at the first family gathering after the new year.”

• “And the therapy? We’ll decide after that?”

“Let’s postpone it for the time being. As I said before, I think I can take a break.”

He hadn’t had a single nightmare since he first kissed Yeseo. He had been putting off taking his tranquilizers, and it wasn’t until he saw the pill bottle in his drawer recently that he realized he had stopped taking them for over two weeks.

• “Is that so?”

Han Jonghan couldn’t hide his joy. Aside from the financial aspect, there was nothing more welcome than a patient who no longer needed him.

• “Did things go well with that friend you mentioned before? Did they?”

“Let’s talk about my personal life another time. I’m getting another call now.”

• “Oh, okay. Then I’ll see you next year!”

His cousin and doctor immediately ended the call. He had indeed gotten another call, but he had no intention of answering it. The caller ID showed Ryu Hye-su.

Juhyeok ignored his aunt’s call and went back to his office.

________________________________________

In December, the end-of-year sun had run its course before 6 o’clock. When Yeseo arrived home, her grandmother greeted her warmly.

The two of them had dinner as if nothing had happened. Her mother came home late, and the two of them sat facing each other in the living room. Her grandmother had already gone to sleep in the main bedroom. Yeseo spoke first.

“Mom. There’s something I need to be clear about. Inha and I are nothing, and we never will be. So... I hope you don’t keep hoping for something like that, especially with Jungwoo.”

“I was just saying that. You’d feel the same way in my position! If Jungwoo marries into a good family and you can’t even get a decent job. Do you think I wouldn’t wish the same thing?”

“I don’t want my future to be dictated by Jungwoo. No matter that we’re siblings, Jungwoo’s life is his own, and mine is mine.”

Her softened feelings after receiving the call early in the morning lasted only for a moment; facing her mother again, the sorrow from last night welled up. Yeseo took a deep breath and tried to compose herself so that her tone wouldn’t become aggressive. If she didn’t, this would become an extension of their argument, not a reconciliation.

Her mother seemed a little surprised by her serious expression and then pursed her lips before continuing. It seemed she had decided to open up frankly.

“Okay, I’ll be honest. It’s true that I’ve paid more attention to Jungwoo than you. And I want you to understand that a little. At least until Jungwoo graduates and can take care of himself.”

“...”

“But it’s not because you’re less important or less loved than Jungwoo. As I’ve told you time and again... he’s much more lacking than you. If you and Jungwoo had been swapped, it would have been the same. I would have sent you abroad and paid more attention to you, just like I’m doing with Jungwoo now. Don’t you think?”

Lee, the pharmacist, crossed her arms as if frustrated and leaned back on the sofa.

“When you get married and have children later, you’ll understand how I feel. The ‘sore finger’ isn’t a favorite because it’s prettier; it’s because it literally hurts more.”

Yeseo opened her mouth as if to say something but just pursed her lips. She understood her mother’s words to a certain extent, but there were contradictions and fallacies in unconditionally accepting them.

Her mother’s favoritism had been there since she was very young. In her vague memories, even when the two of them fought or when Jungwoo was in the wrong, her mother was always on his side. She thought that it was her excessive coddling that had contributed to Jungwoo becoming the weak and selfish person he was now.

“Jungwoo was so different from you, even from a young age. In every aspect.”

As if reading her mind, Lee, the pharmacist, continued.

“He was very late to learn to read, he’s immature, and his academics, social skills, and personality are all warped and self-centered. Maybe because his body was weak, he was also picky and sensitive.”

The pharmacist spoke critically about her son and then let out a long sigh as if regretting it.