1
A CURRENTLY UNANSWERED QUESTION
[open invitation, why the silence - stage fright?]
"Basho, also, wrote single image with two components haiku:
Looking carefully,--
A shepherd's purse is blooming
Under the fence.
By dropping superfluous opening comment, and assuming all haiku poets look with care, the structure--flower under the fence is the same as crow on a branch."
Marlene Mountain [aka: Marlene Wills] source
Let's see:
A shepherd's purse is blooming
Under the fence.
hmm..
Superflous? Please to explain why. . . .
jp
22-09-11
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2
HERE IS AN INTERESTING EXCHANGE WHICH
RELATES TO THIS POST'S THEME. . . .
May 26, 2010
Michael Dylan Walsh:
Traditional haiku requires a season word and a cutting word. So when I read this poem:
on the wire
a swallow sharpens
it's wings
I immediately wonder why it has no cut to it. (And of course, you mean "its" not "it's".) So whether it has a season word or not (I'd have to look up swallow to check it), the poem still lacks a cut, and thus lacks the great potential that cutting words offer to create space and implication. Even putting that aside, to me this poem is vague. How does a bird “sharpen” its wings? Let alone do so on a wire? Preen, maybe, but sharpen isn’t accurate, or too metaphorical (metaphors point to their creators, and not as directly as possible to the thing such as it IS). I’m also left not knowing what I’m supposed to feel. It feels like a so-what poem, even if I try to figure out what sharpening wings might mean. Rather, the abstraction of sharpening wings seems to be a jewel on the finger that keeps me from seeing the moon, so to speak. On a scale of 0 to 5, I’d rate this a 2. When I use this scale, here’s how I break it down: 0 = clueless; 1 = deeply flawed, probably beyond repair; 2 = clearly flawed, but usually fixable; 3 = okay; possibly publishable; 4 = good/strong, definitely worth publishing; 5 = classic (extremely rare).
May 26, 2010
John Potts:
Yes, that should be 'its'.
on the wire
a swallow sharpens
its wings
(The typo has been preened - maybe I should leave it in as a visual pun? Yes, I might do that)
on the wire
a swallow sharpens
it's wings
A swallow, in England here, is a summer visitor (usually from Africa). In fact, one of my African contacts shared some interesting wintering swallow vignettes! That was interesting.
The swallow I saw on the telephone wire was preening it's wings to a sharper profile, literally - for flying. Also, visually, a swallow has sharp wings.. and uses them thus.
Maybe it is a one image haiku? But, the sharpening mitigates this, somewhat. I'll have to have a ponder - thanks for the headsup.
As for these cuts you mention, I'm currently happy with line-drops and breaks in the syntactical unit (caesura and enjambments)*. The reason for this is that the subconscious mind of the reader will fill in the implications, without further syntax cues, although sometimes I pop them in - if the spirit of the haiku (et al) moves me.
Bear in mind, the verbal of a haiku is simply to trigger the right brain - where the vision emerges from into the consciousness of the meditator. Superfluous musical notation not required.
Transparency is the guideline in my transcendent approach. We simply don't need the frills to de-code a ku. In a school class there are different criteria - here we're mentioning the raw experience to haiku experienced grown ups.
on the wire
a swallow sharpens
it's wings
jp
Swallows sharpen their wings; a sparrow preens its wings and all its other feathers, too. Swallows preen most of their feathers, but, unlike the sparrow, they sharpen their wings - literally, enabling precision for flight. Exercise: Closely observe a swallow preparing its wings (and tail feathers - usually they perch on a wire to do this)
23-09-11
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NOTE ON KIRJI
*"I'm currently happy with line-drops and breaks in the syntactical unit (caesura and enjambments)"
This is still an option. However, as of writing I'm currently playing with various punctuation solutions to kireji. Primarily the use of the em-dash (long dash)
—
Also, the ellipsis
. . .
Often like
this. . . .
[By the way, punctation kireji at the end of L3 can create a return to the start of L1 (depending on context).]
Of course, the
exclamation mark!
And that's about it - other than caesura and enjambments, to engineer an appropriate
line
break
---More about Kireji (切れ字, lit. "cutting word"), here--- [LINK]
23-09-11
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THIS IS AN ONGOING ITEM AND WILL BE EDITED INTO RELEVENT SECTIONS AS WE GO. . . .
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Just a note:
swallows in the sky
I smile too
old shoes
jp
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