2020.01.23

It's another day... feeling is - alright. :/

So last night was the summit with Samael. All things considered I feel that it went very well. With all the suppressed emotions involved this could have devolved into bloodshed. Samael was actually surprised that we met him and spoke responsibly with him. I think that helped. He did not get what he wanted (an immediate attack on Donovan) and neither did we (The Lance). Neither of those goals were attainable from the onset. It would be a suicide attack on Donovan straight out. Donovan is not going to be there without defenses and guards. I don't care how arrogant he is. There is no way we can act on him without far more intelligence. However, Samael got the assurance that we can work together despite our obvious differences (like me wanting to kill him). He knows that we have a good faith agreement to pursue a joint strike on Donovan. He is anxious to pursue this attack and he feels that he needs us. We have his assurance that he won't go off half-cocked and just basically hand the Spear over to Donovan. Now we have a temporary alliance of convenience.

I am rather surprised that he didn't push some manner of pact on me. For whatever reason he doesn't feel that he is negotiating from a position of strength. Otherwise he would not have been so accommodating. I don't see this lasting long. My words on him may have had an effect, but he really doesn't seem the patient type. Something bigger than him, bigger than Donovan perhaps approaches. He mentioned the Black Winds, it could simply be just a phrase, but it could mean something more specific. The Apocalypse perhaps or some event foretold which signals the beginning. I'll have to look into this.

I honestly don't know how I restrained myself when talking with that creature. I just wanted to strike him down, but I knew that something of greater importance than me depended on this. I've done my share of screwing up. I wanted to do this right. Yet, this is the man who tricked me into killing the one who made my escape from Arcadia possible and nearly killed a man I look up to and admire. I guess this is what being a politician is all about; swallowing the bile which threatens to make you vomit when seeing a man whom you want to kill. I do enjoy the art of politics and brinkmanship and I think that it paid off today.

Perhaps I may have found my niche in the group. At least for now while I still have some value. With this recent group decision not to kill everything in sight my skills are becoming somewhat more in vogue. This is good news because quite honestly, lately I truly have had no idea why The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) ever summoned me. It is becoming more apparent day by day that I am not to be one of the Four - even though I was one of the first ones summoned. I do appreciate Her faith in my ability to contribute something to this cause. I'm not saying that this has all been a waste of time. I'm humbled that I was called, but before this recent turn of events aside from causing trouble for the group I've had little purpose. I'm no mage that is for certain. Lately I've been able to handle myself in a fight better, but I still am no Vampire or Werewolf. I'll stay as long as I am needed, but I feel that the others are a group and I am just me. There is going to be a power discrepancy very soon. Perhaps after I help them get their last mote and the Horsemen are assembled I'll speak with The Lady Abigail (PBUHN). Something is telling me that there is more to it than that. But what?

I have these lost memories all this lost time in my life. Perhaps I should look into them more strongly. Honestly, I've been afraid to do so. I'm not sure if I'll be happy with what I find. Ignorance is bliss, but ignorance can also cost me dearly. None of the others not even The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) herself have shown any interest in them. I know that I've mentioned it. Plus I'm sure if She did know she wouldn't say peep until the 'time is right'. Yeah sure, leave me hanging on a string here. I wonder if I really fucked something up and this is my punishment. It's all The Padre's fault... freaking probably is the way She (another she) put it before. Others have mentioned some knowledge of my past. Perhaps I should look into this more strongly. I need to find a totally neutral party. Someone with whom trust or not trusting is not an issue. Someone who has no angle to play here. Perhaps I can do that tomorrow.

I spoke with Titus and found out what he wanted. It should be easy enough to acquire. I really want to get this transaction done. Plus when I meet him I can get some of that other stuff then I can pay that debt off immediately. I've been meaning to go back to the markets anyway. There could be information to be had. I'm sure that there has to be something going on in Arcadia that I need to know about.

I think perhaps I can help with War and Afghanistan. I've been there, I know people who've been there. It was an important area of my life until I was taken to Arcadia (back to Arcadia - Who knows?) I'll have a sense of what should and shouldn't be over there. I could probably start working on that today, They don't feel they need me in New York anyway that is pretty obvious otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here writing this.

Then perhaps tonight, if I don't hear anything from them, I'll just go out and do something to get my mind off things. Something I should have done quite a while ago.