2019.12.19.A

December 19, 2019

To sleep perchance to dream...

Dream is exactly what I did. The oneiromancy was quite successful. Unfortunately, before that I was once again confronted by one of the group. I truly wish that they would stop. It is getting on my nerves, a little - my loyalty always being questioned. I don't question anything that they do, not one thing. Cygin took a notorious thief as a mate and I showed him nothing but support. Now Kat is practically family to us. Ohm, I don't know him from Adam. I only know that he was chosen just as I was chosen. Yet within a span of months we are going into battle together fighting entities, organizations and personalities - all of us. Still that is not enough to prove my loyalty to the group and the cause. I put my very existence on the line just by being willing to call myself a member of this group - we, supposed, Horsemen. Granted we have the support of Lady Abigail(PBUHN) and Lylith, but do we honestly know their ultimate loyalties. I am willing to put my very neck on the line and still it is not good enough.

{Suck on it Trebek! Suck it hard and suck it long!}

So Ohm confronts me and I discussed matters with him. It is obvious that he can sacrifice the benefits of female counsel and companionship. He can live without sharing an intimate connection with another being. I am not so strong. Maybe I am being too hard on him. His life training as an Arrow has him see women in the same way that ancient sailors saw the presence of a woman on a ship at sea - ultimately trouble. Granted as well - they don't see my choice as that of one made by a sane man. However, it is my choice and I have made it.

{Not a fan of the ladies, are you, Trebek!}

So to prove my loyalty - yet again. I swore an oath. I thought that he was going to pull out some magi spell of compliance or some tact like that. An oath! I do like and respect Ohm. I even respect this direct attempt to manage his world and not let others do it for him, I can see his side on many issues. I would gladly fight at his side anywhere, but Heaven help me, an oath? It's like the Go-Bots taking on the Transformers. It's not happening. I mean, I will keep to the letter of the oath. What happens in my private life is not a distraction. I am focused, ultimately, on the goal. What I am doing is going to make me stronger spiritually. I am going to need that spiritual and mental health at the final battle. I can not turn my back on My Lady. I will not sacrifice her. If I were to do that I would die inside and would be of no use to them. I stayed my hand. I could have killed her. I felt mercy and saw a better future for her. I've always felt and known inside the woman she could be. If I abandon her now - for the cause, for humanity - I may as well be a robot with no soul. What is the purpose of a soulless humanity? Sacrifices are to be made, losses had on our side. I am not so cold to let my heart die for the cause. We all need our souls to be strong in this fight. I need a soul mate in this fight. I want to fight for someone. I do fight for all... but the masses are cold and distant. In early Rome when Rome was but a struggling city defending itself against its rivals only the landowners were chosen for the army -they had to the most to lose.

{It is because I hate you, Trebek!} [No Ohm, I do not hate you for standing up to me. I respect you. You are wrong, but not in what you did, but by not trusting me. I forgive you, Ohm, just I have forgiven Cygin and anyone else who has questioned my loyalty. Yes, I am secretive. It is my way. It is something that I am sure will come in handy at some point. I am a Horseman. I may never be chosen to receive a mote. That does not concern me. I will do whatever I need to do to achieve victory for us.]

[I''ll take Horsemen for $800.]

I can and will save her. I will not allow Donovan to take her. She is a prime target for Donovan to attempt to lure over to his side. This is becoming more evident. I fear that she could even seek him out. I don't see her being that foolish, but I could be wrong. She didn't become Fay nobility by being such a fool, however she did lose her status and power too. I really hope that I was able to get through to her. I know that she is smart enough to see the argument I am making to her. The question is does she want to change. Am I valuable enough to her for her to want to change?

{Damn you Cygin for mentioning those old Sean Connery Celebrity Jeopardy skits. I have been thinking about them all day!}

As I said at the beginning of this entry my experiment was a success. I was able to get through to her dreamspace. She practically welcomed me into her dreamspace. It was very clear that she was surprised and was not expecting my visit. I definitely caught her off-guard. She was totally off her game. She recovered quick enough, but for a short time I saw her as a woman who was not totally The Lady of Amber Sorrows. There is a part of her psyche willing to be won over or at least hear the argument. It doesn't have a controlling interest, but it is there.

The evidence - I was allowed into HER dreamspace. I was allowed an audience. To see her unprepared at a time of my choosing and it didn't infuriate her. I don't care how weak her power is currently. I am convinced that she could have made it a very bad time for me in her dreamspace. She could have made me hurt and feel it for awhile. The Lady of Amber Sorrows I remember from back home... Arcadia,,, her court... wherever... would have had a specially designed torture waiting for anyone of such impudence. I was allowed to talk to her on equal terms. Our conversation was not that of a servant to the Mistress. This was two peers talking. Granted she was her wonderful haughty self, but still on relatively equal terms. Even now she could easily put a hit out on me. She has connections and is not restrained, if she ever was, by my contract. I am thinking more and more that she was playing me on that whole thing. Finally, and I see this the most damning. I repeatedly called her 'My Lady'. I used a familial possessive in respect to her. I did not call her YOUR Highness... YOUR Majesty... or whichever honorific I was using back in her court. I used MY. Don't think I didn't realize your mistake, My Lady. You are simply playing hard to get. The oldest game a woman plays. Fine! The the game is afoot, MY LADY.

[Damn I was trying to keep the Sean Connery out of this!]

She does look cute when she scrunches her nose like that, damn cute!

Chosen by God, yeah right. Your mocking laughter was because I tagged you and you didn't see it coming. Point for me. I fear that I am going to get it for THAT particular impudence.

I really wish I got to enjoy more of the melee combat with that Mage before I blanked out and woke up in some hospital or something looking after these patients. These dizzy spells are annoying, but an unfortunate fact of life.

I have a feeling that we are looking for a Typhoid Mary, an unaffected carrier.. This person may not even be a mage. I will have to call the others and tell them. There should be a common denominator here.

{I would like famous titties for $400, Alex!}

Ahhh yes. I did have a nice conversation with Jericho too. He was quite amenable to my proposal to augment my weapon. When I have some time I will to confer with him more on this matter.

The funding for my list should be secured and everything paid off. Now I just need to collect it all, prepare it and have it ready.

Before I close. I need to speak with Lady Abigail(PBUHM) about something. An old loose end that needs tying.