2019.12.27

December 27, 2019

Its all in God's Hands now.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away and know when to run

You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done.

I've had a little time to digest the events of the last few days. I have decided to step back from my hasty, emotion driven decisions which have plagued me since the Lady came back into my life. I have failed to show them the world from my perspective. That was an impossible task to begin with seeing the rending journey I have gone through in my life. So I do not blame them for not trusting me and in some cases even hating me. I never wanted any of this.

Now my Lady of Amber Sorrows is dead. Her killer unknown to me, leaving no trace. So this puts two decisions before me. Do I attempt to resurrect her? Do I go after her killer?

The conversation with Dante revealed to me basically what was needed to achieve the goal of resurrecting her. It is not impossible, but highly difficult and possibly would cost me my own soul in the process. That price is too high to pay especially with no guarantees that I would bring back the woman I was trying to save. That would bring me too far off mission and is unacceptable. If God wishes her to be in my life and be the woman I hoped her to be then He shall will that to be.

Tomorrow I shall go to The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) and request that she take control of the corpse of My Lady. As much as I am friends with the Autumn Court I do not see any more need for them to hold the corpse. A Daeva walked in and out of the Theater without them knowing about it. Perhaps this one last service I can perform for My Lady would be not seeing her body fall into the hands of someone who would seek to desecrate it. Furthermore, I will not pursue the knowledge of how she died. I will not ask Danno to raise her. Like I said if it is God's Will that she be brought back into my life it will be by His hand.

Now I have a second question to face. Do I pursue her assassin? That will have to wait until after I save the world. My companions lived under the false belief that I would abandon them for her. That never would have happened. Yes, I walked to that line a few times, but the price of crossing was too severe. In the deepest depths of my anguish at her loss I said some things. I never would have acted upon them. The wonderful thing about keeping a journal is that while you do capture the emotions of the moment you also can look back at what you wrote. Looking back at a few of my entries I truly abhorred what I wrote. That is not the person whom I have always strived to be. So would I abandon the mission to pursue an invisible killer - not at present. That is something which I can pursue after I save the world. Yes I may have visited My Lady, but to actually leave - on a mission of my own - abandoning who I truly am at heart - that is something which I will not do.

Again, God can grant me the gift of needing to kill this assassin in order to save the world. That I will gladly do.

I spoke with Malchanthet. I really wish that I had thought about what I wanted to ask her, but I was in one of my impulsive moods. Well anyway it still worked out well enough. My guess is that with all the wrath I was throwing off she knew I was coming to visit before I even arrived. I knew that she would have some use for that sword. I was surprised though that she knew about The Twins. She seemed to take the news of their demise with a little disappointment for not being the one to dispatch them. However, in total she seemed pleased that they were dealt with.

She was correct that I did go visit her for a purpose which was not just giving her the sword (although in truth I had been intending on giving that sword to her for some time now). It was of no use to me and Jericho didn't want it. What ever did become of the other sword? Probably in some crooked cop's collection of evidence stolen from crime scenes. As for my question to her I didn't expect her to know anything, So that angle is inconclusive. Having someone feed off of one's essence does give the feeder a unique perspective. I hadn't thought about the fact that I was granting her unfettered access to who I was. Obviously the nature and cause for my wrath was a topic in our conversation. So I told her what happened. It was actually good talking to relatively neutral party about what happened. Quite frankly that conversation probably helped grant me some peace of mind.

She also gave a bag of little tokens or something. She explained what they were and how to use them, but I was thinking, 'Ooh... shiny!'. I think that they have something to do with paths in and out of her domain, but also have another use for leaving trails of your own. I truly was offering the sword as a gift of goodwill, but maybe that sword had more value than I knew. Anyway, I really hope that she doesn't go out of her way to give equal value back. It wasn't the intention of the gift. I do though accept this gift from her and will not pursue the issue of value any further.

I still want to help those tortured souls back in that cellar. It is not right for them to feel pain when I can help them, but I will comply with the party's wishes on this issue.

So we get to go deal with some ancient Atzec deity. That sounds like a nice way to spend the time. I look forward to going back. Those little rat things were quite susceptible to my hallucinations. Now that I have progressed further in that contract we can have a little more fun at their expense. I truly need to remember to keep the images up before I think of doing anything else. With 10 images I could probably extend this protection to the entire party. I need to talk with Cygin concerning this ability. I think that he can lower opponents' resistance to my power. Granted I can do it with several successful uses of my power, but it would be nice to score a victory right at the beginning.

Connell has been making great progress. Just today he told me of the Daeva who visited the Autumn Court. It was probably a fluke that he saw it without being noticed, but still he did it. The Court had no idea that it was in there. Which means that she didn't want to be seen. Which means that Connell saw something that didn't want to be seen. That is tremendous, but still I fear for his safety in these matters so I instructed him not to follow unless he was positive that he could do it without being detected, Connell can handle himself in a fight, but why take chances? Plus, it is nice having a spy on the battlefield out there. Connell is coming to Mexico with me.

Oopie taught Connell the Smoke contract. With further instruction Connell can hide his tracks with greater ability, This will be good for him. Come to think of it I should teach Oopie how to talk to wolves. Oopie gets around a bit himself. It could come in handy for him. Oopie is going to need another promotion now... LOL!!!!

Well it is time to prepare for the mission back to Mexico. I think that I will try to hit up my old Army contacts and see if any of them have any servos lying around. You never know. I really want to get that stupid thing to work.

What the heck is up with Samael? Why does he care about who killed My Lady? Why is he purposely avoiding the party (me?)

I wonder if Dante has ever left his Elysium? Perhaps those Daevas do his snooping around? If one were followed I wonder where it would lead?

Well, anyway... focusing on the mission! The Padre needs to save the world.