2019.12.26

December 26, 2019

She's Gone...

It has only been a few hours since I saw her. I still don't know what to write. I felt so guilty for enjoying the Ball without her. I so wanted her to be at my side. I wanted her to see my performance - as part of it was meant for her as well. I was going to make it all up to her. Now the unspeakable has happened.

My associates are currently wasting time deciding on how not to do anything about some hole in whatever and some dimensional rats. I really wish I had an axe right now. I've given this tree I am sitting next to forty whacks, something else needs forty-one right now. The action fails to have meaning with a hammer though. I've never dealt with so much anger before in my life. I truly have no idea how to control it. I've seen so much blood and death in my life I have become desensitized to death. Seeing My Lady like that just got through all my defenses.

Oh, I handled myself well enough at the scene. I've never been one to be effected by shock, but now everything is sinking in and my emotion needs an outlet. I am glad that my associates didn't turn on me back there. I know they all hate her and think I'm crazy because of her. Though now I think they're expecting me to totally crack up. That won't happen just yet. I haven't given up hope just yet. I've been subjected to enough weirdness in the world to know better. Death is just a transitory phase and is not permanent. Hell, look at Danno. With all these freaking walking dead all over the place I truly would be a fool to think that she was truly gone. Lazarus was raised from the dead.

I can't get that vision of her corpse just lying there out of my head. If I fail in bringing her back then that vision will haunt me for the rest of my life. I just wish that she died with some utterance of heartfelt penance on her lips. The Lord is forgiving and has forgiven the cruelest of men. The Lord will purify those souls of evil who truly wish redemption. I just hope that I was able to get through to her. I wish I had more time to spend with her to try and bring her back. However, I was chosen to be on this mission. I couldn't spend the time I wanted to with her. She didn't understand any of it, but she wasn't spitting in my face either. She never turned me away. She wanted my presence. Yet, still I failed her when she most needed it. I thought she had adequate protection.

I wish I knew what Janus' story truly was. One part of me wants to destroy him for toying with me. The evidence is there that he is involved. His declaration upon the death of Telluviel goes far beyond self-incrimination to the point of an admission of complete and total guilt. He and My Lady were working together. It is conceivable that he turned on her and killed her. The only trouble with that is the method of attack. He may have an attack directed at a person's desire to live, but is that truly his MO? Don't get me wrong. I am tired of making excuses for him. I want him to be the guilty party so that I may smite him. My anger needs an target. Yet, why would he come up on her from behind? Although with Samuel thrown into the mix it may no longer be Janus in control.

If it were Samuel and not Janus that would make Donovan responsible for her death. If I were suicidal I would chose that route and attack him directly, right now. If I were to do that then there would be nobody to save her. Nobody else cares. Saving her soul is my goal in life. Forgive me Ohm I may have just broken my oath to you. I care more about saving her than performing my duties as a Horseman. I fear The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) may have erred in choosing me. I won't be able get that vision of her corpse out of my mind. Not when I feel in my heart that her soul is still alive somewhere. I need to retrieve her soul before it becomes too lost to find.

I wish that I wasn't the only person to see the other side of her. Perhaps it was only in my mind, but still I saw it. I saw that potential in her. I spoke with The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) about My Lady. She said that My Lady was not beyond salvation. The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) knew how I felt about her - what I wanted for her. My Lady could be saved... can still be saved. The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) would not allow me to waste my time and be hurt so severely if she knew something that I did not. Granted The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) may not know everything, but I know that in some matters she can be trusted without question.

Fear... The last thing that she felt was pure terror - such despicable irony. The emotion which I need is now the emotion which tastes so bitter. I don't deny her past, I never have. I was trying to free her from that past. That feeling is just so alien to be associated with her. I hate seeing her in such a helpless light. Some may claim it is justice, however, at what time is justice called. I'm not trying to rehash the old arguments here. The True Fay are different. They have no concept of human morality. They live by their passions and whims. They are not demons though otherwise they would be in Hell.

I will not give up on her, I will not allow that vision of her I saw on the bed to be the last thing I have seen of her. I have my memories. When I visited her in the dreamspace I know that I caught her off guard. I caught a glimpse of the side she keeps guarded from me. I will see that side again. I will bring her back no matter the personal cost to me. Yet, still if I were to save her and lose the rest of the world what kind of person would I be? I can't believe that I am considering abandoning four billion souls to save one. This is tearing me up inside. I feel all these directions and emotions within me threatening to tear me apart. If I am to save her the center must hold.

I must find who killed her! There is no time for why! Yes, I am being total hypocrite here. Emotion makes us all hypocrites from time to time. Perhaps there may be a way to exact my revenge while remaining within the bounds of the morality I strive to live by. Please grant me the understanding of the true meaning of everything that has transpired or the opportunity to avenge her death with a pure heart.

Shadow... Fire... Fear... There is a meaning there. This may be the clue I seek, Yes, this could indicate the involvement of 'Janus'. This may also indicate something else... something far worse than 'Janus' could ever attain. I don't want to write this... I truly don't. In Arcadia she may be immortal because of the laws inherent to Arcadia. Souls never leave and therefore they are immortal. It may be totally self-contained. However, the realm I call home operates differently. Souls are not meant to be indefinitely recycled. They usually either go up or down. As much as I want to love her, there is no way her soul is in Heaven... Shadow - the shadow of death and passing. Fire - the vision of the Infernal realm. Fear - the last emotion in her when she realized what had become of her. Some demon must have come upon her and dragged her soul to Hell. Perhaps the collective Will of those whom she wronged isn't content to wait or even desire for her to be saved. I truly hate myself for even presenting this theory to myself. I will pray that I am wrong. I have been wrong about so many things what is one more time.

How opportune that the Magi were talking about Orpheus - who just so happen to make a very famous trip down into the Underworld. If I am right... They won't follow me down into Hell after her. There is no way I can even discuss this with them. They are going to be saying enough that I am in denial when I don't start preparing some manner of funeral rite for her. If I start mentioning going down into Hell after her soul on some probably incorrect theory they will call me suicidal. I wouldn't be surprised if they have me on suicide watch now.

No, I will save My Lady no matter the personal cost. I can't abandon the world either! Why am I forced to make this choice!

However, before all that I must visit her dreamspace. I must see for myself if she still resides somewhere where she can still dream. If she can still dream then there is still hope to save her. I have faith in My Lady. I can not see her allowing death to stand in her way forever. The Lady Abigail (PBUHN) told me to follow my heart. If I must follow it down into Hell, then so be it.