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Just for Fun: New Illness Threatens Status of ADHD
ADHD the signature malady of our time is being threatened by new pandemic.
Cases are being reported of a new debilitating behavior that seems to be the opposite of ADHD. This disorder is sweeping through the USA at an alarming rate.
Children are studying, writing, painting, composing music, building websites and conducting science experiments in surprising numbers.
Psychiatrists and Neurologists are saying that the illness seems to mirror ADHD in reverse. Children seem over-focused, and have no kinetic activism at all. They seem to be in their minds, deep in a spell that is difficult for teachers or parents to break.
An emergency hearing has been called in Congress to discuss this problem and form a Taskforce. Internet marketers are alarmed that children are ignoring pop up and mobile graphics. Media companies are complaining that they can no longer distract children from schoolwork or hobbies or self study.
The Media Vertigo Association formed to maintain and enhance media dizziness in US culture will speak before Congress. Its Vertigo Inspectors will present evidence that media vertigo is declining sharply. Worries of deeper economic recession abound.
Politicians likewise are concerned that young people do not watch 24 hour news channels, and do not respond to sensationalist news. “If we cannot make then alarmed and angry and afraid, how can they become responsible citizens?” asked a Senator. Republicans and Democrats in a rare show of unity are working feverishly to design legislation to address this growing crisis in a state of rage and panic.
Cell phone companies are complaining that kids do not answer their cell phones, and will continue studying or working on their projects. CEOs are suggesting the development of an “Etiquette for the 21st century” to combat this incipient and expanding rudeness.
On the other hand, computer game companies are miffed. These affected children would rather design a computer game than play one. They are not sure how to respond to this.
For the most part, leaders agree that “Exit” from media should be blocked, that a constant barrage of media wherever you are (mall, home, school, car, park, street, shower...) must be further developed. And this would help distract contaminated children from focusing.
Some politicians are calling this the “New Autism”. “They are becoming idiot savants...geniuses but dysfunctional. How can they be productive citizens if they are so anti-social and introverted” I mean look at me, I’m an extrovert and extremely social and look how I turned out,” said Senator Docksa as he entered a courtroom for his trial on bribery charges.
Further, George Bush is proposing a new constitutional amendment that gives children all of the rights of adults – the “Leave No Child Behind” amendment. As Bush explains, “The purpose of this law would be to give power to advertisers, marketers, media firms and all loyal Americans to save our children from this terrible malady. It’s ironic but once I tried to make them literate but now they are too literate, I succeeded, I over-succeeded, I always do that, so now we’ve go to the other way. It’s a ying and yang thing.”
Psychiatrists are now working on a class of stimulants that will make children so kinetic that they will not be able to sit and focus. “We want all that incredible intelligence, but focused on something else like killing aliens or scouring kitchen cupboards for processed sugar.”
A wave of seminars is sweeping the nation on “How to interrupt your child”. Pet shockers are being marketed by pet stores -- they send a mild shock to your child if she or he is stationary for more than 2 minutes. And schools are now reintroducing physical education in attempt to get adrenaline to override the disease.
On the other hand, reports are that creativity is rising among children, and test scores are increasing. Said a researcher, “The tradeoff is that they are becoming over-focused, it doesn’t seem worth it. And anyway they are going to be a generation of elitists, who do they think they are? At least ADHD is not elitist, and this is very anti-American, and it’s bad for the economy because we’re so successful because of mass production and finding the lowest common denominator. These are French kids. This pandemic is threatening our very way of life.”
Researchers are trying to name this new disorder which has these features: excess focus, stillness, quietude and ignoring others. Presently the best candidate is “Stationary Surplus Attention Disorder” or SSAD for short.
“And they are very sad kids aren’t they? They just sit and think and build, it’s terrible!” said a disturbed teacher.
Cage Innoye
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