Conservatives and Home Depot introduce new healthcare initiative:
Do It Yourself Medicine!
Yes, in response to the high costs of Obamacare, conservatives and corporations have put forward a viable and cheaper alternative: Self diagnosis and self treatment.
Yesterday, said a spokesman, “This is fully in the American tradition of individualism and freedom. You get to diagnose yourself and make you own decision on what you have. And you then get to treat yourself. That means you won’t be spending a lot of money on doctors, hospitals. When medical care is the hands of the people then it will get realistic and cheaper.”
He elaborated, “If you feel sick, you will go to Medical Depot, and there you scan yourself with an MRI machine at a fraction of the price. And you can do your own blood test for a few dollars. Then you will be given a booklet on how to read the printouts and imagery. Then you can decide your course of treatment for a fraction of the cost. You don’t need a doctor at all. And as we know they are usually wrong. Booklets will be sold on treatment plans, and classes and seminars will be given just like “do it yourself home fixing” where experts give you advice.”
Asked a reporter, “But what if you have a brain tumor?”
“You can remove it yourself or you can hire a construction firm retrained in medical science to do it for you at small cost compared to an HMO.
“But what about standards in medicine and a medical license?”
“Licenses? Isn’t that elitist and undemocratic? People should be able to do whatever they want? Licenses are an idea of Big Government, and that is precisely the problem! This is a free country.”
“And what about Malpractice?”
“There is no malpractice in this system, you roll your dice and take your chances, just like in life. You see, it is all your choice, you choose your diagnosis, you choose your treatment. If it doesn’t work, well, it is your fault, you have no one to blame. You see, it is all choice, that is the beauty of our idea. And the big advantage of this system is that it so much cheaper."