Nameless
Nameless
Kota Perron
Waking up, I already dread what is to come in the next 8 hours. Every kid's dream is to grow up, but when you are scared by the idea of change, it becomes more of a nightmare. Graniten High, a prestigious school with white pricks that think they run the town. Loudmouths that push around younger kids just to get enjoyment. Even if I would want to go there I’m not a rich white girl as everyone makes me out to be.
Yes my family is rich, yes we can afford fancy houses, cars and prestigious schools. But we still have problems. Problems that strike my anxiety anytime I’m in the presence of one. Problems that make the world feel as if it’s crashing down on top of me and crushing me slowly. Alarms blare loudly at my bedside once again, letting me know that it is truly time to get up. I groan as I lift myself out of the bed. My heavy legs swing to the side as I get ready to hoist myself from my dream yard. My sleepy eyes make their way to the closest and my limbs follow soon after. When it opens there is an array of colors but black is the only one I see. I sigh before picking a plain long sleeve shirt with black jeans, a usual for me. I remove the day old cloth that consumed my body and replace it with the new version. Looking back at the mirror I see nothing more but an empty broken shell. Wondering what led me down this dark pathway I find myself on.
Is it my housing situation? Maybe even family life. Nah, I truly think the reason why is because I despise myself. My personality, my clothing choices, my interests, my body, my face, myself. I was my least favorite thing in this world. Not in an “oh look she’s depressed” way but on a personal level. I wouldn’t hang out with myself if I had a choice. No way, no how. But that’s not how life works. You are you and that’s all that will ever be. No matter what, you can’t truly change yourself. You can make adjustments, you can change the way you react. But in the end you're still the person you were born to be. I was born to be the fill in character. The one in the movie that had no name. That character that works in a store in one episode of a show. The silent actor in the real world. Pathetic.
The sirens go off from my mobile device once again to let me know it’s time to stop stalling. I pick my bag up from the stained carpet that was once white. I place the heavy carrying case on my bed and start to put my school stuff in my bag. Every subject has its own folder. Every folder has its color. And each side of that folder had its job. Home and to school. Once everything was in my bag I swung it over my shoulder. I walk over to the glass that separates me from the human world. Looking outside the sun is already shining and the leaves are green. Maybe one or two are yellow but for the most part, they are green.
I look down at the screen of my portable computer: 6:45. The bus will be here in just 5 minutes. Not enough time for breakfast. Not enough time to prepare. Not enough time. A sharp inhale pushes me out the door of my room. My moral compass carries me down the stairs and my conscience makes me leave my house. The bus stop was only down the street. Twenty steps forward, ten left, thirty forward and two right. I pull out my headphones and connect them to my phone; I don’t play music though. With this disguise I’ll look like the average teenager. No one had to know about the war inside the head of the teenage mind.
The world seems to be bright today, I’m more of a rainy day kind of girl. I’m the one who wishes for the worst thunderstorm to come and rip the house down. I wish a tornado would come and take me to a land with little munchkin men and a yellow brick road, where I can go on an adventure with my dog Toto. My feet make their way down the tan cement in front of them. One after another, working in tangent as a pair. My head is willing them to turn the other way and book it to my house before anyone can see me. But at last it’s too late and I’m standing in a group of kids ranging from 14-18. All too focused on the technology in front of them. The rumbling from down the street makes it hard to forget the sight of what’s to come. The orange vehicle is hard to miss. Which makes it worse when it pulls up. It comes to a slow stop, and the glass doors open up. The kids form the straightest line all slowly loading on. When it’s my turn I walk up the steps before faces with over twenty kids. Each paired with their friends. Some turn around in their groups of four. Bus rides are different if you actually have someone to be with. But when you're alone it feels like a death sentence. I find an empty seat. Probably the luckiest I’ve been in a while. When I sit down the leather touches my hand. It is a different kind of feeling. Cold and rough like my soul. I rest my head against the seat wishing for the power of time travel or teleportation.
The roads around here always seem the same. Trees, grass, weeds, trees, I think you get the idea. One after another and I start to feel like I’m going back in time. I close my eyes and open them. There it is. We turn left into the parking lot. The bus is slowing down so no one gets hurt. I don’t want to believe it. There’s only one thing to do now. Prepare for hell for the next four years.