Chapter 59

I didn't dare to ask Yan Yang how he had spent the past two years, and didn't dare to think about it either. I wanted to have a proper chat with him, yet I didn't have the courage to actually rip that wound open.

The cascade of things that had happened since the incident two years ago had turned us into a mass of scars. Any one spot on our bodies was a wound. Just one light touch, and fresh blood would surge.

These wounds were not ones that could be healed within a short few years. From the start to the end, they had remained a ghastly sight.

I was always running away, as if running away could solve my problems.

As if as long as I didn't bring it up, everything would gradually fade from memory, and Yan Yang and I would be able to go back to how we had been before.

But anyone with half a brain would know that wasn't possible.

I was just lying to myself.

At the end of the day, Yan Yang had always been braver than me. Even his resentment could be displayed out in the open, while I only knew how to be the horrible person pulling tricks behind everyone's back.

I stood there, watching him smoke his cigarette. As I listened to him talk about the photos, my head began to spin.

He said, “But I must admit, you took pretty good photos of me.”

Yan Yang took a few steps back and leant against the wall beside him.

When he spoke, there was a hint of a smile in his eyes, but that smile sent chills down my spine.

“Back then,” Yan Yang spat out a puff of smoke, “Back then, when you fucked me, were you thinking very hard about which angle to take the photos from so I would look more erotic?” 

He looked at me, “There's one question I can't seem to be able to figure out the answer to. Did it feel better when you fucked me, or when you took your revenge?”

Yan Yang's tone was very calm, as though he was talking about something that had happened to someone else.

He walked over, putting his cigarette in his mouth before wrapping one hand around my waist, and resting the other on my crotch.

“Or does it feel best right now?” When Yan Yang spoke, ash fell from his cigarette, “To you, what am I? Can you give me a definite answer or not?”

I looked into Yan Yang's eyes, just like how I had when I had nearly strangled Hao Zi to death with iron chains and was suddenly pulled away by Yan Yang. For once, I saw myself in his eyes.

I lifted a hand and lightly grazed the corner of his eye with my finger.

It seemed like the corners of Yan Yang's eyes were forever moist.

He grabbed my wrist tightly, so tight that I couldn't believe someone so skinny still had this kind of strength.

He said, “In the past, I was truly naive. It wasn't that I didn't know you were using me, but rather that from the beginning to the end, I thought, even if you were using me, you still loved me.”

He continued, “I did so much for you; couldn't you see? Are you blind? I flew home by myself, trying to find a way to persuade them to accept the fact that I'm gay. Wasn't it also for the sake of putting you at ease?”

He said, “Do you know what you were like during that time? Every time we made love, it was like you would have ripped off the skin on my body if you could. Why wasn't I willing to do it anymore? Because it hurt. It really hurt. I was fucking scared.”

He said, “I knew why you were acting like that, so I was doing my best to find a solution. We were committing incest, you know? You're my biological brother, and they're my biological parents. You hate them, but I don't. You can choose not to care, but I can't. There is not a single set of parents who can accept the fact that their children are committing incest. In this entire world, no such parents exist! Was I being too greedy? I wanted to hold on to both my lover and my family. Every day, I was trying to think of a solution. I was thinking, what should I do? How can I stay together with my Ge forever? Coming out wasn't a problem; it was the incest that was the most serious issue that would be impossible for them to accept. What in the world was I supposed to do? I was thinking about this question every day! It's my fault. I was too greedy. From the start, I was a goddamn idiot. There was no way I could have held on to all of you.”

Yan Yang's voice had gone hoarse. He threw the cigarette away, and his eyes reddened again.

His voice was full of hatred as he spat, “Great, now I've got my retribution. I have nothing now. My lover took me as a tool for revenge, a tool for him to relieve his sexual needs, and a tool for his own entertainment. As for my family, one has tossed me aside without turning back just like how he had to you back then, while the other has been hospitalised for the past half a year and still refuses to see me because I committed incest with my own Gege and won't change my ways. It's great, my life is seriously too incredible.”

He stood there with his eyes closed, taking deep breaths. His words were like knives driven into my body, yet I didn't feel an ounce of pain.

The one who should be in pain was him.

I walked over and hugged Yan Yang. Since the day before, I seemed to have lost the ability to speak. 

Was I blind?

Was I mute?

Was I dead?

Yan Yang stood there, hugged by me. He kept his eyes closed, weakly murmuring, “Do you know what dream I’ve been having most often these past few years? I keep dreaming of you, of us making love. But as we do it, you're plunging a knife into my chest.”

He paused, catching his breath for a moment.

“Later on, it changed. It changed into me holding the knife and plunging it into your shoulder, the blood splattering onto my face.”

Yan Yang was shaking. I hugged him even tighter.

“Sometimes, I feel very scared. I'm terrified that I'll wake up and find that you've actually died.” His breathing was hurried, his voice trembling along with his body, “If you die, what am I going to do? If you die, who am I supposed to hate?”

He grabbed the front of my shirt.

“If you die, who else do I love?”