Chapter 27

My university life went on as per usual, but because Yan Yang had to apply to music universities overseas, his mother began to arrange for him to make all sorts of preparations.

It didn't matter much to me how his days went, but almost every night before bed, he would call or text to tell me about it.

He said he missed me. Over the weekend, he had gone to the old apartment again, lying to his parents that he had gone to stay over with a friend when in reality, he was at that old apartment of mine.

How could I have forgotten to take the keys back?

I didn't want Yan Yang to go there. It was filthy and messy; what point was there in going to that place?

There was one Saturday night when it was just me in the dorm. I had originally wanted to lie in bed and read a book, but Yan Yang insisted on video calling me.

I accepted the call and saw him lying on the bed in the old apartment, his face flushed. He let me see every part of his body, then said, “Ge, it's spring already, but it's still so cold in here.”

“If you're cold, put on some clothes.”

He started laughing. His phone camera was directed at his pale, slender, and long bare legs, while the sound of his laughter from beyond the camera could be heard. He laughed so hard, the hand he was using to hold his phone was shaking too.

“How are you so oblivious?” He began to touch himself. When his hand had just brushed his thigh, I was already hard.

Yes, I was indeed oblivious. There was no way one couldn't be if they were being seduced by their younger brother.

Yan Yang was deliberately intensifying his breathing. He was purposefully tempting me to join him. I silently reached a hand into my pants, but I was still found out by him in the end.

We masturbated while on video call. Yan Yang asked me if I had already decided which university I wanted to further my studies in.

Yan Yang was aiming for a music university in the United States. I didn't know much about these universities, but I did know that it was considered a top institution. If he really did manage to enrol in it, his future was bound to be bright.

However, he had never considered that my goal was not, in fact, the United States.

It was true that we would be going overseas together. I was going overseas – just not to the United States.

Of course, I wasn't going to tell Yan Yang this. If he was humiliated and subsequently angered into speaking badly about me to his parents, my plan to study overseas would be a bust.

I definitely couldn't shoulder a few hundred thousand yuan of tuition and living fees alone.

“I haven't,” I replied, “I'll wait for you to confirm yours.”

Yan Yang was happily appeased by me. After we finished, his breathing still hurried, he faced the camera and said, “Ge, I'll give you a blowjob next time.”

When he said this, his cheeks were still a rosy pink. He had just said that it was cold in the apartment, but now his fringe was damp with perspiration.

The outline of his collarbones was very defined. I stared at it, wanting to latch my teeth onto it so badly.

“Okay.” Whatever he said, I went along with it, “Next time.”

I really don't know how to describe how the years leading up to my departure overseas were like.

I was often outside, living a busy life, participating in many school activities and competitions, winning trophies and scholarships. In my third year of university, a girl from the neighbouring class confessed to me. She sent me a WeChat message, inviting me to stroll around the school campus with her at night because she wanted to discuss with me how to write the paper for some upcoming module.

Actually, she hadn't needed to come up with such a reason, because we both knew what the truth was.

I went, and when Yan Yang asked me why I couldn't call him that night, I lied to him.

I told him, “There's a school event happening at night. I'll be back pretty late.”

Yan Yang was a bit unhappy, complaining that my university life was too rich and that he was scared I had found someone else.

Before I went out, I received a picture from Yan Yang. It was a nude photo.

Ever since I had left for university, he started sleeping on the lower bunk, beneath my blankets. Sometimes, when he slept, he would even hug the clothes I had left behind.

In the photo, Yan Yang had no clothes on. He stared straight at the camera, his gaze unabashed. Biting his lip, he looked cute, and yet a little wronged too.

I didn't reply and went out to meet the girl.

I had deliberately wanted to meet that girl.

Speaking of this incident, it should be written into the list of my sins.

During that time when I had just begun becoming sexually involved with Yan Yang, I kept holding onto the belief that I had no other choice. I would never admit that I had an endless desire for his body, and especially not that the feelings I had for him had already long gone beyond those between family and taken a different turn, towards another extreme.

For a very long time, I was lying to others, and myself too.

That I fucked him because he begged me. I fucked him because I had favours to ask of him.

And that was all there was to it.

Thus when a girl approached me with intentions, I felt that I could make use of it and have a regular relationship to prove that in this situation with Yan Yang, I was being forced against my will.

When I went down the stairs, I kept feeling like my phone was burning hot. The closer I got to the ground floor, the more the feeling of guilt weighed down on me.

This time, the guilt I was feeling came from how I was betraying Yan Yang. Before exiting the building, I even looked back, because I felt like Yan Yang was right behind me, watching me.

I knew it was just my mind playing tricks on me; it was impossible for him to be here.

That night, I walked side by side with that girl round and round the campus. Most of the time, it was her talking, but none of her words were registering in my head.

My mind was entirely occupied by Yan Yang. The nude photo Yan Yang had taken.

The dorms locked up at 10.30pm. I brought the girl back to her dorm in advance.

As we were approaching her block, she tried to hold my hand, but I pretended to be unaware and evaded it.

With that evasion, the conclusion was clear.

The girl never contacted me again, and I had managed to prove something.

I only had a desire for Yan Yang.

Throughout the subsequent week, my mind was always wandering. My roommates all laughed at me, saying I must definitely have got my heart broken. They joked that the girl was disappointed after just a single date with me and thus had tossed me aside.

They could say whatever they wanted; I just laughed it off.

When Friday came, I bought a train ticket and sat on the train home in the afternoon.

I had never gone home for the weekend before. Not only was I going home all of a sudden, I hadn't called to inform them in advance either. When I stepped into the house, it was already past eleven at night. They had all gone to sleep already.

I quietly entered the house, then pushed my bedroom door open, going in and locking the door behind me.

When I got on top of Yan Yang and unbuttoned his sleepwear, kissing his neck, he was startled awake. Upon seeing me, he nearly screamed.

I captured his lips with mine, stopping him from making any sound. When we made love, he softly asked, “Ge, am I dreaming?”