Chapter 50

I had spent the greater part of the first thirty years of my life in a chaotic and ugly state. In hindsight, I had also been an extremely selfish person who valued myself above all. I had probably perfectly inherited this trait from that man.

I was like a repulsive-looking clown, hurting both others and myself.

It was only right for Yan Yang to hate me. If I were him, I might have already rushed over with a knife. 

It was extremely disgusting and nauseating. I had always been boasting to be a victim, yet I had also hurt the person I liked the most – who was also probably the only one who had ever treated me with full sincerity.

A person like me was not worthy of others’ empathy. To have my body torn apart into a thousand pieces, then burnt to ashes, would be the best ending for me.

I gave Yan Yang a bow – not to ask for his understanding and forgiveness, but in the hopes that he would know I was sincerely sorry. I wasn’t seeking forgiveness because, at least concerning what had happened between us, I wasn’t worthy of it. When I walked out of that chaotic state of mind and stood before him clear-headed, I couldn’t deny that, regardless of my reasons, I had undoubtedly hurt him. The knife I had thrown at his father had also left a gash in his heart.

A sincere heart should be protected, not trampled on like this.

It was just that by the time I understood this, it was already too late.

Yan Yang leant back against the wall of the hospital stairwell. When I straightened back up, he kept staring at me, his brows knitted together.

I didn’t know how long it had been since we last saw each other. A few days? He had slimmed down a lot. He looked very weak.

I was as cowardly as a mouse, likely having inherited it from that man who had abandoned me. Even at a time like this, I didn’t dare to ask Yan Yang about his current situation.

Why was he also at the hospital?

What had happened to him?

Did he feel that loving me was very tiring?

That was much too coquettish. It was better if I just got out of his sight.

When I turned to leave, I realised I had really perfectly inherited all the worst traits of the two people who had given me life – aggression, paranoia, selfishness, and weakness.

But fortunately, Yan Yang was a good person. I was grateful that he had a kind and gentle mother, grateful that he was not the same as us.

I walked along the corridor, all the way to the end, then took the other flight of stairs down.

We were at the peak of winter. I was wearing the thin hospital clothes as I walked out of the hospital’s ward block. The cold wind cut me like a blade, consuming me in a flash.

It was so cold that my whole body hurt, but this sort of pain also woke me up, allowing me to maintain a clear mind.

I was penniless, so I walked the whole way, mere seconds away from freezing when I finally arrived at that dilapidated old apartment.

This place looked the same as always. How it had been when I left back then, was how it still was right now.

It was Chinese New Year. There were spring couplets on every door. Without exception, all of them were free gifts from the supermarket or bank. The couplets even had the companies’ brand names and logos printed on them.

On that floor, there was only one unit that was dead and lifeless. Even the door was spoilt. It went without saying whose house it was.

I pushed the door open and went in. When I walked, my feet had already gone completely numb. The place was as cold as a freezer. It was my true coffin.

I stood at the door and swept my gaze across the place, recalling everything that had happened here, from the start of my memories to when I had last left not long ago.

The screams late at night, the kitchen knife closing in on me, the slaps that had landed on my face and the club that had hit my body, were all vivid in my mind.

I had suffered endless abuse. I hated her, and also hated him.

I hated myself too.

Perhaps I really shouldn’t have been born. Perhaps I should have died from being thrown onto the floor back then.

The tragedies of humans were born of life. If life was not given, then there would not be so much pain.

I fished out a dirty coat from inside the closet. This coat had been inside there for many years already. It was both dirty and damaged. I put it on, wrapping myself in it, attempting to use it for some warmth.

I started to clean the place up, from the living room to the bedroom. I tidied it up until the place was neat and clean.

This apartment had been deserted and uncared for for many years now, the spoilt door becoming nothing more than decoration. When I was tidying the place up, I even discovered many pieces of trash that should not be here.

Ripped poker cards, flattened Coca-Cola cans, used condoms, and so on.

This place had probably been turned into a base by those rogues, who were bound to eventually be either axed to death or caught by the cops, to do every terrible thing they could.

I calmly swept all these dirty things out the door. This house became clean for the first time.

The last thing to be cleared away was myself. I was the thing that should be eradicated the most.

I took off that pungent coat, then stepped across the ice-cold, dust-covered bed frame to stand on the windowsill.

This window was not big. There were no bright and big glass windows in my house.

As I stood there, I suddenly recalled one incident from my childhood. I had woken up after an afternoon nap to an empty house and my ankle chained to the leg of the bed. My movement was very restricted.

At the time, I had been frightened to death, wailing as I climbed up onto the windowsill. As I cried for my mother, I kicked and broke the glass window.

How old had I been when that happened? I probably hadn’t enrolled in primary school yet.

So it turned out that I had stood on this windowsill before as a child. If I had taken just one more step forward, I would have fallen already.

I stood there and looked down at the ground.

It was the fourth floor. She had once leapt down from here and crashed on the ground in a mess of flesh and blood.

If I jumped down from here, would I also die the same way she had?

When I closed my eyes, I heard the wind whistle by my ear. I even felt like I could see my corpse merging with hers on the ground. Destiny? This was what destiny was.

It felt like there was an invisible hand on my back, pushing me forward. But just as I was about to jump, I heard a mocking laugh from behind me.

My eyes shot open. When I looked back, I found someone standing at the door.

It was the person called Hao Zi. We hadn’t seen each other in many years. He had changed, but I could still recognise him.

He casually leant against the doorframe of my bedroom, chewing gum as he watched me, a smile playing on his lips, “Hurry up and jump. I'm waiting to watch the show, you know.”

He took out his phone and said, “Say, do you think it’s more exciting if I watch it from here or from downstairs?”