Chapter 26

Whenever I faced Yan Yang, feelings of guilt would surface within me.

Whether he was faking it and had other motives, or was honestly dependent on me with every fibre of his being, I had no way of suppressing the guilt I felt towards him.

The more obedient he was, and the more he tried to appeal to me, the more difficult it became for my heart to bear.

Many years down the road, I told Yan Yang about those thoughts and feelings I had had, as he lay in my lap, counting the petals of a sunflower. He replied, “Ge, I know why you were like that.”

“Because I had already fallen in love with you back then?”

“No,” He hooked his arms around my neck, pulling me down for a kiss before continuing, “Because there was still kindness in your bones. You couldn't be a true villain.”

Perhaps that had been the case, but back then, I had really been doing my best to be a bad person.

My desire to go overseas was real. I even had my own goals already, but I had been unsure of how to bring it up. After all, the fees for studying abroad versus locally were simply worlds apart.

I never once forgot that I was living on the charity of another. I didn't have the right to ask for too much, so I continuously used Yan Yang to achieve my own goals.

My hope that Yan Yang would study overseas was also real.

Yan Yang had never mentioned it himself, but he did love the piano. Other kids were all forced by their parents to learn the piano, but Yan Yang had always approached it with excitement.

He liked it, and had a talent for it too. If he really stayed behind for me and took the entrance examinations, and enrolled in some unknown university, it would truly be a pity.

No matter how much I loathed his dad, I didn't want him to ruin a bright future because of me.

I couldn't bear the weight of this wrong, and didn't want to either.

I planned it well. I had Yan Yang talk to his parents about studying overseas. If I could do my postgraduate studies overseas, I could let go of the upcoming exchange programme opportunity.

I was indeed being very realistic. I didn't need this home, but in a way, I did need it. I didn't have the prideful strength to not spend their money. I wanted to spend it, and not only did I want to spend it, I wanted to spend a lot of it and make it worthwhile. Every last cent of their money had to be used to upgrade myself, and when I finally had the ability to, I could become the master of this home and dispose of it all.

Back then, I had found myself so pitiful. For the sake of making all this happen, I had to sacrifice myself and screw my own brother.

Yes, at the time, I had felt that making love with Yan Yang was sacrificing myself. But I never considered that if I had been unwilling, then why did I become erect just by looking at him? Why had I had dreams of being entangled with him for so many nights in a row?

Why had I made love with him the entire night on the last day of my semester break, before I had to leave for university again?

Before I left for university, not only did Yan Yang's parents support me in applying for the exchange programme next term, they also agreed that if I could enrol in a better university overseas for my postgraduate studies, they would be willing to send me there.

For now, my goal had been met. For that night, I had done my research well; not only did I help Yan Yang to open himself up, I patiently engaged in foreplay with him, and when I entered, I was incredibly gentle.

That was the second time we made love. I realised that because of my callousness the first time, I had inflicted Yan Yang with some psychological trauma.

He still desired for me, but when I was about to enter him, he was so scared that he didn’t dare to meet my eyes, trembling from head to toe.

I hadn’t even done anything yet, but his face was already completely drained of colour. It didn’t look like he was lying on a bed where we made love; rather, it looked like he was being suspended in the gallows, awaiting his death.

At that moment, I felt like I had really wronged him.

I caressed and kissed him. Maybe as an apology, or because I couldn’t bear to treat him badly anymore after having used him for my own gain -- that night, I did everything I could to give him the most thoughtful treatment.

Before I entered him, I ran my hands over him reassuringly and nibbled his earlobe, whispering in his ear, “Yan Yang, it's okay, Ge will be gentle.”

He was still crying, his arms wrapped around me. He was battling his own fear.

I straightened up and entered him. He was still shaking in my arms. My heart really hurt.

I murmured apologies in his ear non-stop. I hadn’t wanted to do that, but I couldn’t stop myself.

His tears wet my cheeks. It was clearly from his eyes that the tears flowed, but it was my neck they slid onto.

I entered very slowly, bit by bit for him so he could get used to it. I coaxed him, “Relax, Ge will make you feel good.”

It seemed like this was the first time, all my life, that I had ever treated someone with such gentleness. Every small movement I made, I would take care of how he felt, deathly afraid that he would be hurt, scared, or cry even harder.

Fortunately, Yan Yang defeated his fear, and I also broke through my own reservations.

If I could, I wanted to take this night as our first time instead. Gentle, sweet, and happy.

When Yan Yang wasn’t scared anymore, we basked in the pleasure that sex brought. On that childhood bed, our bodies entwined with each other, the bed creaking as we moved.

Yan Yang moaned in my ear. When I came inside him, his arms tightened around me desperately as he called out, “Ge…”